Saying how we feel is something a lot of us fail at achieving. At an early age, we were taught the art of “people pleasing”- from saying yes when we really mean no to holding back from what we want to say for fear of rejection or offending someone.

The golden question is… how do we get over that fear and say exactly what’s on our minds?

The other day, my best friend and I had a conversation about not speaking from the heart and it led me to believe that I still suffer from the art of “people pleasing”. Because of my fear, I limit myself from being truthful, because my current situation is comfy, cozy, and feels really good. If I speak what’s on my mind and in my heart, my cozy place might start to feel familiarly uncomfortable, and I don’t want to end up in that place…again.

 

So…I play it safe.

 

If this seems familiar to you, then perhaps you should work on that inevitable fear I speak of. I feel it, so I know you do, too! Acknowledge your fear and work on getting rid of it.

How do we get rid of the fear?

*Being honest with ourselves

*Seeing the bigger picture

*Understanding how important it is for others to “get you”

*Realizing that we won’t have regrets later

*Realizing that if we don’t speak up, resentment could take place

 

For the fearless folks who doesn’t hesitate on speaking what’s on your mind, I admire you. It only means that you can embrace whatever the outcome will be. I guess for me, practice makes perfect. I won’t say I’m completely fearful. More like…cautious; waiting for the right time, thinking of what to say and how I should say it, and waiting for the moment when I can stop replaying the possible rejection in my head.

 

Women are competitive with each other by nature. We don’t mean to be, but we always manage to put ourselves in an emotional position to try to “do better” than the next chick. Especially when it involves a man who they’re both dating. Men use this behavior from women to their full advantage. While I can say that some women wouldn’t waste their time or energy competing with another woman for a man’s attention, it’s the rest of you that fully believes in the term “fight for your man”. It’s bad enough that both of you women are allowing a dude to mistreat you, but it’s doubly wrong when you both are aware of each other. Instead of checking him, you go for each other’s blood, trying to win him over. Neither one of you is realizing the fact that dude is playin’ the both of you!  While you two are playing “Tug-of-War” with his attention span, he’s either at his boy’s crib, talking and laughing about how dumb y’all look over a game of Spades, or somewhere else building something meaningful with an ambitious chick.

The fact that a man is involved with another woman means nothing to a woman who’d rather fight than walk away with her dignity, because in their minds, he’s with the wrong one. They’ll try to prove that over and over by doing double overtime on exposing the other chick’s weaknesses and flaws. Her plan is to exploit the other chick’s flaws to make herself look good, hoping that will convince the man to cut her off.

Let’s not forget about the women on power trips. She may not even be into the guy like that, but she just doesn’t want to lose to the other woman. The extra flirting, the overwhelming need to keep him pleased, and the constant need to put the other woman down are all qualities of a woman determined to win him over–anticipating the feeling of power over the other woman.

If you’re reading this post and it seems very familiar to you. I want you to think long and hard about how you’d look in this man’s eyes. This man you obviously is “head-over-heels” for. He has you doing things you thought you’d never do, because you don’t want to lose him to the other chick. Honestly darlin’…you’ve lost him before you even got him. That may not make sense now, but when you sit and think about all the silly shit you’ve done, it’ll sink in. A guy is really not that into you when he has another woman he’s dealing with. Use your common sense. Any guy that chooses to exercise his options will continue to do so, especially if you’re aware of it. How mad can you be with him when you spend time competing for his full attention with all of your extra “girlfriend privileges”? You are not special…you are simply a woman he’s using as a “placeholder” until someone genuinely special comes along..and that could go for the both of you.

All of those extra privileges you’re giving him, you could be giving to a dude who won’t have you out here, looking 10-karat stupid. If a dude is really into you, the one thing you’ll never have to do is fight for his attention.

 

When we are in a fresh relationship, we tend to stop doing the things we were doing for ourselves before we become in one. Our main goal once we commit is keeping our mate happy, by all means necessary. We don’t mean to put ourselves on the back-burner, but it feels so good to be in a relationship, we shift our priorities, because we feel that our significant others are important. We forget that to keep a healthy relationship, we must, sometimes, put ourselves first.

The moment we make our relationship official, we tend to make decisions revolving around our mates. That’s totally normal, except we’ve forgotten about our plans, our goals, our LIFE.

Here are 3 ways we lose ourselves in a relationship.

 

Dimming your light– What I mean by this is if you have an opportunity to be greater than you already are, then take it. Don’t try to spare your mate’s feelings or ego by turning down any opportunity that would involve more travel, more success, or provide you with more financial stability. You would also turn down these opportunities for fear of losing him/her. Don’t do yourself the disservice.

Not honoring your commitments to yourself– Before going into a relationship, you had all kinds of goals that you wanted to accomplish. Now that you have a significant other, your personal goals are no longer a priority. It’s my belief that a goal-oriented person has one of the qualities that men/women find attractive. So, why stop your personal goals and your life plans because you have a “boo”?

Neglecting your feelings– When our significant other does something we don’t agree with, we keep our thoughts and/or opinions to ourselves to spare an argument. As a result, we neglect our feelings to keep them satisfied. Disregarding how we truly feel about situations is never a good thing. Like a pipe, when there’s enough pressure, that pipe will bust. All of the feelings you’re holding in, will eventually make you bust…just like that pipe! Express to your significant other about how you really feel about things. Sharing what you like and dislike with your partner may lessen the chances for an argument.

 

With so much temptation in the world, one would say that staying dedicated to one partner is impossible. Contrary to popular belief, Monogamy still exists. As a culture, we’ve failed miserably at practicing it. I look forward to the day when we as a culture can accept one partner to court because we’ll feel one partner is all we need.

Too many of us crave variety

In some cases, the sexual passion we develop for  our partner fades with time

Many ppl believe monogamy goes against human nature.

If you are one of those people who don’t practice monogamy, you’ll get no judgment from me. However, I’m judging you for not being honest with your partner. 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce with extramarital sex as the leading cause. There’s a lot of unhappy and unlucky in love people because of the selfishness and dishonesty of their mates. A lot of relationships are started under false pretenses when one assumes what he or she wants is what their mate wants and that’s being committed to only each other. I used to think it was generational, meaning folks born in the nineties were more likely to fail at monogamy than the older generation. Single folks in my generation are suffering just as bad, if not more!

In the dating world, there’s a subconscious pattern for “unsure” folks who are confused about what they really want. There’s a little voice that pops up and asks “Do I stay or do I stray?” when they feel things are getting too serious. Their environment and their social life play a huge part in their decision-making. Unfortunately, considering the feelings of the mate is the least of their worries. Why? They HAVE to do what’s best for THEMSELVES, first and foremost. They’re oblivious to the fact that they have a fear of commitment. As a result, they mask it with “being free to please”.

Wil there ever be a time when our culture will embrace serial monogamy? Probably not. It’s idealistic, but not realistic. With so much sexual temptation and the need to have “options”, I would be crazy to think that would really happen. I look forward to it, but I’m not going to kill myself by holding my breath. What will matter is that I’ll be blessed with an honest mate one day; one who’s aware of the world we live in, but to him…I’m his world. Monogamy can exist with the right person.

 

 

Featured image by Make a perfect image

 

Why is Makeda Smith an inspiration?

She’s one of the few women her age that can work a pole better than most 20-year-olds!

Reading this amazing woman’s story on XO Necole, I couldn’t help but dig deeper to find out more about her. According to her website, Smith found her calling with pole dancing at the age of 50, after a string of bad luck, including the loss of her business, her home, and her man.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, Makeda turned her life around, mind, body, and spirit with self-healing and self-love through pole dancing. The pole has been, in Makeda’s words, an “instrumental axis” and she “stepping out of the box” has definitely proven that all it takes is for you to believe in yourself.

 

I started poling when I turned 50. I am 56 now and getting younger by the moment. I hope to inspire people, but especially women and particularly older women, because it is true, we can do any thing we put our minds, heart and spirit into!

 

Click here for more on her story

We all know at least two people who will tell you they don’t mind being single even if they are for the rest of their lives. Not only are they lying to you, but they are in complete denial and bullshittin’ themselves.

Everyone wants love…everyone needs love….everyone wants to eventually get caught up & do that forever happily ever after relationship, wedding vows and all. There’s no logical reason for anyone wanting to stay single. I can understand wanting to be single for the moment.

Maybe you’ve just ended a relationship and need time to heal

I get that…

but those artificial reasons are wack.

I like the freedom to do anything I want to do.

I like my options

I don’t have time to be in a relationship.

Those excuses are all masks to cover up how you really feel. You don’t want to let your guard down and let love in, so you use the “I’m Good” mentality as a defense mechanism. There’s always some underlying fear of commitment for various reasons, but for the most part..you’re scared. You want to be in a relationship…you just don’t want to get hurt. If men and women value relationships like they should, they’d understand that freedom as well as space are essential ingredients for a healthy loving relationship. Even a couple deeply in love doesn’t want to be in each other’s face all the time. That’s relationship killer potential! Giving each other some space and freedom between cuddling and sucking face is guaranteed to keep the relationship spicy.

Men and women deal with this “I’m good” mentality differently. Women become dishonest with themselves the moment their guy proves he’s not ready for a commitment. For example, if a guy actually tells you that he won’t get mad if you see other guys, he’s telling you that he’s going to see other women. However, you my luv, will act like what he told you didn’t bother you (or practice selective hearing). You pretend “you’re good” out of fear of getting rejected, so you play along. Men see right through that and will use it to their full advantage. Men, however, will keep their options open with insecure women who don’t know any better. The ones who will use their vagina as bait for months to hold on to men who they’re uncertain loves them. He’ll continue to use them until the right one puts her foot down and demands what she wants. He’ll use that “I’m good” excuse until SHE comes along.

Not having time to be in a relationship is complete bullshit. If you can make time getting to know someone, have sex, and do relationship-type things to keep their attention, then you have time to be in a relationship.

It’s all about being honest with yourself. Your dude or lady will probably respect you more if you are honest about wanting a relationship from the beginning. Get rid of the fear of getting used or hurt. Everybody has at some point in their lives. It’s all about who you feel is worth the sacrifice of your heart and trusting the process.

Give it a chance. You may actually become pleasantly surprised at the outcome 🙂

When getting to know someone, we are quick to assume that because they’ve impressed us, they will eventually give us what we need when it comes to relationships.

We burst our own bubble when we realize that our partners are finding ineffective ways to meet our needs and we are left disappointed among other things.

No relationship is perfect and not everyone is perfect, including ourselves. Let’s pinpoint the fact that if we don’t  know what we need emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and/or physically, or don’t know how to take care of our own heart, then we will unconsciously expect someone else to. We’re putting responsibilities on someone who has absolutely nothing to do with our well-being.

We can’t expect our partners to meet our needs when we can’t meet them ourselves. Expectations, among other things, is what kills relationships! Once we realize that, we’ll have a greater chance at better communication and better understanding.

We try to justify our actions when we claim “He/she’s not treating you the way you need to be treated”, when in fact, you’re not treating YOURSELF the way you need to be treated.

It’s time to stop pointing fingers and evaluate where the core problem lies.

It’s you…and always has been you.

Until you become aware of your responsibility, you will always look to your partner and it’s not fair to either one of you.

Just remember, if down the line you two don’t work out, you will feel emotionally drained because you left your heart in the hands of a person who couldn’t do a job that was meant for you.

You want to be well enough to the point where you can let go with emotional responsibility and move on peacefully.

We all owe ourselves that.

Never go into a relationship with expectations, especially if you’re lacking in self-awareness. If you want a healthy relationship, make sure you know yourself and recognize your needs first.

 

 

 

What’s the most common excuse that single people use when we experience the shortcomings of someone we’re dating?

“(S)He’s just not my type.”

The older I’ve got, the less I’ve relied on having types. In fact, having a type has been pretty much non-existent for me. I’ve learned that we could truly miss out on blessings if we focus on the “must haves” and the “should nevers”. The person whose minor shortcomings you put too much focus on could have the biggest heart and treat you like you belong on a throne.

If we really think about it, our “type” could also reflect our desire to date someone that’s similar to us. However, there’s a disadvantage to that. There’s a saying that we are who we attract. If you’re a weirdo, you’re gonna attract a weirdo. If you’re emotionally messy, you’re gonna attract an even more emotionally messy person, so dating your type could be like  messing with a double-edged sword. Be careful.

 

Personality, looks, and similar interests all play a role in determining our ideal type but remember, if your goal is long term relationship with possible marriage, none of that matters if their heart is not in the right place with yours. You guys could be in sink goal-wise and even with similar interests, but that person could also be an asshole.

Choose wisely.

Better yet, get rid of the idea of having “a type”. It shouldn’t matter if they’re too short, too tall, too nice, etc. Get rid of your shallow-like behavior and try giving that short person, that tall person, or that “too nice” person a chance. So what if this person’s job is at a pizza delivery spot? Every experience has a story behind it, so don’t judge. This is where overlooking their shortcomings (according to you) won’t hurt because you’re  trying something that doesn’t fit the mold. Breaking away from your type can be a very good thing.

 

As far as adding this video, I have no reason other than it goes with the message in my blog…LOL

Enjoy

When we’re getting over a break-up, we usually consider it one of the worst things that could happen. Getting over someone who you’ve invested your time and heart in is like getting over the death of a loved one. The bad thing is you’re no longer a couple, which you believed you guys would be forever.

Two good things about the break-up?

Death is not involved, so you can still curse them out until your heart’s content…and the doozy…..it could be the catalyst for change that your spirit need. We don’t often pay attention to the good that can come out of a break-up and one of those goods is the chance for self-preparation. Self-preparation requires awareness, creating space for opportunities, emotional and spiritual growth, and acknowledging what your ex has subconsciously taught you.

Your ex has actually taught you many things, including what you deserve and what you’re worthy of. If you are the one that has caused the break-up, consider that you’ve made mistakes and you could learn to not repeat them in your next relationship. We’re all human, so we will fuck up. What matters is that we acknowledge them, make peace with them, learn from them, and move on. Not only have you been given the chance to be freed from a person who was obviously not right for you, but you’ll discover more about yourself that you may not have discovered if you were still with that person. Consider your break-up a blessing in disguise!

Your ex has prepared you for your next, meaning you have gone through the worst in your past relationship to end up with the best relationship you’ll ever have. Your break-up gives you the opportunity to grow, figure out what you really want and heighten the confidence and self-love that you’ve lost while in your toxic relationship. As a result, you become your own lesson’s project when you meet your future mate. Your break-up also gives you the opportunity to create a space for one who deserves to occupy it. That person will instill the lessons that you’ve shared and utilize them for the sake of a healthier relationship.

We all go through trials and errors in life and a break-up is no exception. However, remember that a break-up doesn’t have to break you down. Take the good out of it, learn from it, utilize the time as a single person for your benefit, and when the time comes when you’re ready for your next relationship, you’ll have even more to offer than before.

When a woman loves you, she’ll prove it to you in many ways without actually saying those three powerful words. In fact, she may not be ready to tell you for fear of hurt or rejection and most likely will hope you say it first.

Many of us define love in many ways, so it could be hard to pinpoint how we’re feeling when we stare in our potential soul mate’s eyes. However, I feel compelled to reach out to my guys because you guys never seem to have a clue when it comes to love.

I say that with love.

You guys tend to not recognize true love when it comes your way because of the varying perceptions of love that’s been embedded in your minds from past experiences.

The whole point of this piece is to recognize the signs from her because honestly, we all have come across someone who will tell you they love you but their actions scream the complete opposite. You could also be with a woman who absolutely loves you but isn’t ready to say it for a few obvious reasons.

 

So, how do you know if she’s in love with you? If she shows these 10 signs, she is definitely in love with you!

 

  1. She gets every opportunity to stare into your eyes– They say the eyes are the windows to your soul. When she gazes into yours, she tries to see what your soul looks like. If you see her smile and/or blush as she gazes, she is just smitten with you. 
  2. She treats you like a priority– Someone who’s into you will make time for you. Whether it’s quality time or putting aside time to call and see about you says a lot about how important you are to her.
  3. She sees a future with you in it– If she includes you in her future short and long term plans, she is letting you know she isn’t going anywhere.
  4. She misses you when you’re not around– She thinks of you often when your absent and she reminds you every chance she gets until she sees you again.
  5. She won’t leave you hanging– In other words, she’ll keep you informed about her; what her day was like, what she’s done, and what she plans to do. It’s important to her that you know things. Not because she feels she need to, but because she wants to.
  6. Your happiness is important to her– When she loves you, your happiness is hers. She will try to avoid doing things that will make you unhappy and will make small/big efforts to keep a smile on your face.
  7. She sees and accepts you– Being in love is not just about how she feels. When she sees you, she values the kind of person that you are. She’s observant and remembers certain details about what you wore on a particular day, what you’ve said during a past conversation, etc. She notices how you interact with family, friends, how you express yourself and how you process emotions. She appreciates who you are and accepts the full scope of your being, whether your good habits or bad habits.
  8. She wants to be a part of your life– She’s letting you know that she’s investing into this relationship. Not only is she making it clear that she wants a future with you, she wants to be a part of your current world. She wants to see your world as you see it. She wants to know about your hobbies, your passions, and connect with them as much as time allows.
  9. She cuts off other guys– Nothing says love like dropping other dudes like bad habits. When she feels like there’s a genuine connection with you, she puts the brakes on other relationships to focus on the one guy she cares more about…You. That’s a surefire sign she’s taking you seriously.
  10. She wants you to meet her family and friends– When she’s in love with you, she wants to show you off to her loved ones. Feeling comfortable enough to introduce you to her kid(s) is definitely a surefire sign, considering how risky that could be. Meeting her kids assures you of the confidence she has about the relationship. She also cannot wait for you to meet her parents, siblings, friends, etc. She looks forward to meeting your loved ones. She’ll be nervous because she wants to make a good first impression, but she’ll be excited, nonetheless.

If she’s shown all of or even a few of these signs, then it’s time to act on the knowledge. If you’re both feeling the same way —communicate those feelings then celebrate the beautiful discovery together. But if you’re not feeling the same way, it’s time to have the tough, but much-needed conversation with her about why you cannot reciprocate those feelings. No one likes rejection, but being honest and straightforward with her will make her respect you and your decision more.

Hey guy….

If you’re reading this then you or someone you know has been put in this tough situation and don’t know how to deal. Whether you’ve dated a woman and things didn’t work out or you were placed there from the get-go, You being in the friend zone may not be a bad thing.

Let me share why…

It all boils down to the good guy Vs. the bad guy standards. It’s been known that ladies fall for the bad guy types because good guys are most likely considered boring, too nice, a little on the soft side( not confrontational), and lack good looks. As shallow and stupid as that may seem, women who go by this have no shame in admitting that. At least 60% of a successful relationship involves physical attraction. The rest of the % involves trust, respect, and of course love. If a woman is not physically attracted to you, she will not care about how queen-like you’ll treat her. Her motto is I can get all of that with a dude that I find attractive. I deserve EVERYTHING I want by a man I DESIRE. I’m pretty sure it leaves a huge blue and purple bruise on your ego and probably downgraded your confidence below 50%. However, it’s doing you guys a favor by weeding out the chicks who don’t deserve your energy and love, anyway. Truth be told… EVERYBODY is unattractive to someone. There’s a lady out there who thinks you’re sexy as hell. She’ll be the lucky woman who you’ll treat like a queen because she’ll accept your crown with appreciation.

What about the ones who goes for the bad guy types?

Because they love those tough hood guys with killer bodies and facial features to match, It’s pretty obvious that they’ll end up fighting for respect, loyalty and love. They’ll have to deal with the possibility of him being unfaithful because his good looks attract a lot of vagina. His “hoodness” could possibly keep him in trouble with the law, or just his overall attitude towards his woman because she allows it

There’s the saying “be careful what you ask for because you might just get it.”

Women want a bad guy type but don’t want the “bad” that comes with it. It’s that weird connection to being attracted to not just “a bad guy” but also drama. Some people get off on drama and when they carry it into their relationship, they’ll either mask it as passionate or that it’s a sign of really being in love. I’d wish both men and women realized that if someone really loves you, then they wouldn’t put you through too much emotional turmoil. A lot of people deal with drama in their relationships, because they feel it’s better than being alone. I use to hear the quote all the time “You’re not in a happy and healthy relationship if you don’t argue or fight once in a while.”

That’s complete bullshit.

There’s a difference between expressing a difference in opinions and just being downright disrespectful towards one another. The line between the two is not that thin. Talking to each other to come up with a solution is healthy. Over-talking each other and yelling is not.

Meanwhile…

Her “friend” which is you, my dear, is enjoying life with your new boo. So, thank your friend who put you where you needed to be. Don’t forget to pray for her. Some women don’t mean harm but the rest doesn’t care. Either way, you were placed in the friend zone and for good reason.

For those who don’t understand the term “friends with benefits”, it’s basically an agreement from both individuals to have a sexual relationship without any emotional ties or commitment; sex with no strings attached. While it may make you and your partner feel like liberating sexual beasts, there are consequences to consider. Not only are there lines being crossed, but the words “friend” went out the window, the moment the penis entered the vagina. That feeling of being a liberating sexual beast won’t last.

If you’re a FWB, have you ever considered the fact that you’re not allowed to develop feelings? No relationship…no emotions…just SEX! That’s the three golden rules that don’t apply to everyone because it’s fuckin impossible! FWB relationships give you a sense of connection and significance, but it also gives a false sense of “getting your needs met”. Sure, you’re getting sex, but you’re using sex to hide true feelings that you’re scared to reveal for whatever reason and that leads to frustration, making that connection between you two short-lived. The more you try to deny your feelings, the more frustrating you become and as a result, you’re hurt.

I want to know how FWB draw the line between sharing and not being vulnerable when sex is one of the most vulnerable acts of mankind! Will there be times after having sex for the first time where you’ll feel like doing “bestie” things with no sex?  Do you both expect to end up in bed every time y’all  hang out? How does it all work?

One thing’s for sure…someone is bound to fall for the other and it’s usually the woman. Why?…men can naturally have sex without emotions, so it’s easy breezy for them.

This leads me to a few questions…

Does the woman expect that sex will deepen the bond between her and her “friend”? Did she always have feelings for him and never expressed it? It’s possible! What happens when you discover your partner gets into a relationship with someone else? Don’t think it’ll be easy to turn off your feelings like a light switch. Us women carry what you call Oxytocin, a chemical reaction that ignites after sex. We feel happy, relaxed, and feel a deeper connection to our partner. So to consciously decide that you will not develop emotions for your FWB will confuse the hell out of you, and it could also damage your self-esteem.

 

Getting involved in a FWB type of relationship is risky. You’ll have to know what to expect and what not to expect. One of the consequences to consider is the possibility of you losing your friend. No one expects that to happen because the focus is to get the needs met. You chose each other as a FWB because you provide comfort for each other. Because you guys are friends, you know each other’s wants and needs. Even the topics you both discuss are candid, because you both confide in each other. They say people in  good relationships starts off as friends.

Let that marinate

 

Honestly, the effort you put into trying to justify being a Friend with Benefits, you could apply that same effort into building a genuine and committed relationship.

Why don’t you guys just be committed?

Better yet….

Does your friend partner think you’re worth a committed relationship?

Do YOU think you’re worth it?