When I ask if you’re exceptional or basic, it has nothing to do with how you live, how much money you have, or what brand labels are in your closet, but it has everything to do with how the man in your life views you.

How a man views you is how he’ll treat you and it’s up to you, a woman who yearns for respect and honesty in a relationship, to make sure he treats you like you deserve. It starts with growing enough balls to express what you won’t allow and what you desire. However, some of us tend to forget the importance of that and allow our passive aggressiveness to weaken our ability to demand what we want and/or need in a relationship. That’s what basic women do. I can tell you from experiences from women I know and from my own experiences that a lot of men LOVE some basic women!

Why? He knows that under all of that fake tough and demanding exterior, is a woman ready to fall in love. Basic women want to be in a relationship so badly, any amount of attention from him makes her feel like what they have is worth her holding onto, even if he shows signs of being messy. He knows that if he shows signs of being messy, his basic woman will fake the funk and pretend to leave if he doesn’t shape up. When that man starts to put one foot out the door, his basic woman will suddenly have a change of heart, out of fear of losing him to another woman or being alone. A few weeks or a few months have gone by and at this point, you’re frustrated because it feels like you’re investing a lot more into the relationship than he is. In some cases, this has happened more than once in a relationship that’s at least four months old. I guarantee you that 85% of y’all reading this have experienced a relationship like this, currently in a relationship like this, or know someone who is.

Truth be told, the men in these type of relationships are just as basic, because only an exceptional man will not take his woman for granted. It’s been said that we are who we attract…basic dudes attract basic women because they can get away with shit while playing with their basic women’s hearts.

The good thing is…It doesn’t have to be that way.

A woman goes from ‘basic’ to ‘exceptional’ when she learns to “toughen up” and not let the idea of being alone frighten her. An exceptional woman is honest with herself, as well as with him, about what she’s worthy of and she won’t feel bad for expressing that. Only a basic dude will try to make her feel that way for selfish reasons. An exceptional woman respects herself and demands respect from her partner. If he can’t meet those demands, that exceptional woman will have no problem cutting him off like a price tag on a new blouse!

Exceptional women will not chase. If he decides to leave, let him. Leaving already proves that he can’t love you like you deserve.

Between the delusion of thinking a man can be changed, the extreme thirst for wanting genuine love, and some ‘sunshine’ vagina, it could be difficult for a woman to change her basic ways. In order for her to become exceptional, she has to accept the fact that a man cannot be changed and it’s possible that her vagina may not be the best he’s ever had. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting genuine romantic love, but there are more proper ways to go about receiving it and that’s to NOT look for it in a guy who isn’t even your boyfriend. Stop looking for love PERIOD.

Focus on being exceptional. Only then, will the man who’ll truly love you will find you…and that’s when you’ll least expect it.

When a woman loves you, she’ll prove it to you in many ways without actually saying those three powerful words. In fact, she may not be ready to tell you for fear of hurt or rejection and most likely will hope you say it first.

Many of us define love in many ways, so it could be hard to pinpoint how we’re feeling when we stare in our potential soul mate’s eyes. However, I feel compelled to reach out to my guys because you guys never seem to have a clue when it comes to love.

I say that with love.

You guys tend to not recognize true love when it comes your way because of the varying perceptions of love that’s been embedded in your minds from past experiences.

The whole point of this piece is to recognize the signs from her because honestly, we all have come across someone who will tell you they love you but their actions scream the complete opposite. You could also be with a woman who absolutely loves you but isn’t ready to say it for a few obvious reasons.

 

So, how do you know if she’s in love with you? If she shows these 10 signs, she is definitely in love with you!

 

  1. She gets every opportunity to stare into your eyes– They say the eyes are the windows to your soul. When she gazes into yours, she tries to see what your soul looks like. If you see her smile and/or blush as she gazes, she is just smitten with you. 
  2. She treats you like a priority– Someone who’s into you will make time for you. Whether it’s quality time or putting aside time to call and see about you says a lot about how important you are to her.
  3. She sees a future with you in it– If she includes you in her future short and long term plans, she is letting you know she isn’t going anywhere.
  4. She misses you when you’re not around– She thinks of you often when your absent and she reminds you every chance she gets until she sees you again.
  5. She won’t leave you hanging– In other words, she’ll keep you informed about her; what her day was like, what she’s done, and what she plans to do. It’s important to her that you know things. Not because she feels she need to, but because she wants to.
  6. Your happiness is important to her– When she loves you, your happiness is hers. She will try to avoid doing things that will make you unhappy and will make small/big efforts to keep a smile on your face.
  7. She sees and accepts you– Being in love is not just about how she feels. When she sees you, she values the kind of person that you are. She’s observant and remembers certain details about what you wore on a particular day, what you’ve said during a past conversation, etc. She notices how you interact with family, friends, how you express yourself and how you process emotions. She appreciates who you are and accepts the full scope of your being, whether your good habits or bad habits.
  8. She wants to be a part of your life– She’s letting you know that she’s investing into this relationship. Not only is she making it clear that she wants a future with you, she wants to be a part of your current world. She wants to see your world as you see it. She wants to know about your hobbies, your passions, and connect with them as much as time allows.
  9. She cuts off other guys– Nothing says love like dropping other dudes like bad habits. When she feels like there’s a genuine connection with you, she puts the brakes on other relationships to focus on the one guy she cares more about…You. That’s a surefire sign she’s taking you seriously.
  10. She wants you to meet her family and friends– When she’s in love with you, she wants to show you off to her loved ones. Feeling comfortable enough to introduce you to her kid(s) is definitely a surefire sign, considering how risky that could be. Meeting her kids assures you of the confidence she has about the relationship. She also cannot wait for you to meet her parents, siblings, friends, etc. She looks forward to meeting your loved ones. She’ll be nervous because she wants to make a good first impression, but she’ll be excited, nonetheless.

If she’s shown all of or even a few of these signs, then it’s time to act on the knowledge. If you’re both feeling the same way —communicate those feelings then celebrate the beautiful discovery together. But if you’re not feeling the same way, it’s time to have the tough, but much-needed conversation with her about why you cannot reciprocate those feelings. No one likes rejection, but being honest and straightforward with her will make her respect you and your decision more.

Image courtesy of Getty Images/Christopher Polk

When you think of the word, “intimacy”, what is the first thing that comes to mind?
Closeness?
Sex?
Romance?

What if I told you that the meaning of intimacy goes deeper than all of those.

Let’s look at Webster’s definition of intimacy…
the state of being intimate; a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.

Intimacy is openness, transparency, acceptance, being candid and honest, and sharing all of yourself beyond the physical. Intimacy is also self-revelation and being comfortable with sharing those revelations with your partner. To openly share your thoughts, your attitudes, and your feelings without feeling like you’ll be judged says a lot about how mature your relationship is.

Kendrick Lamar is the perfect example of a man who displays that kind of maturity. In a 2015 interview with ‘Billboard’, he had this to say about his fiance, Whitney Alford.

billboard

 

Kendrick perfectly illustrates what goes down in the truest form of intimacy; vulnerability, transparency, and obviously not being afraid to be any of that with his woman….his best friend 🙂

 

We have to distinguish the difference between true intimacy and false intimacy, as well.

False intimacy is lust, physical attraction and admiring the exterior of a person without truly knowing who they are on the inside. False intimacy can be tricky and it can lead situationships, as opposed to a healthy relationships.

 

Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner, not just physically. Allowing your partner to let their guard down is the best feeling in the world, because they are showing you that they’re trusting you with their inner most secrets and desires. That’s the kind of intimacy that will keep a relationship solid. A relationship without true intimacy can be boring and uninspiring.

 

 

 

 

 

In 2016, we’ve reported that Rob Hill Sr. and songstress/actress, Letoya Luckett, got engaged. Now that Rob and Letoya have split after only two months of MARRIAGE, I have doubts about some of these “relationship experts”.

It was a surprise to supporters and fans, considering no one knew the couple was already married at the time. They’ve done a great job of keeping their marriage super low-key. Unfortunately, this couple fits the description of “Hollywood marriages”; in love one week and broken up the next week.

However, there’s something peculiar about this breakup and it isn’t the quicky marriage. If you’re familiar with Rob’s work, you’ve probably wondered if he’s ever practiced what he’s preached. One would question Rob’s skill and motivation as an “expert” on life and love since his public breakup.

Let’s break down what Rob Hill Sr. really is….

According to his website’s bio, Rob is, “ an author, entrepreneur, and public speaker. Originally from Chesapeake, VA, Rob is sought after as a voice for the millennial generation on healthy relationships, purposed filled living, community organizing, and constructive love.”

In my opinion, that’s just a fancy way of saying he’s a “life coach”.

Many have criticized Rob on his break up with Letoya, because apparently, he should know better. It’s my belief that experts don’t become experts without experience, and it’s obvious that Rob has experienced the ups and down of love. Not everyone shares that sentiment, though.

Rob’s two-month marriage ending in divorce highlights the authenticity, or lack thereof, of these social media love gurus, experts, coaches, etc.

Let’s face it…we’ve all fallen for their quotes on life, love, and relationships because they relate to what we all go through. We use their words as motivation, and some of us even follow what they say in their posts and video clips like a cult. But, what good are their words if they’ve proven they can’t live by them?

Do we stop following them or do we give them the benefit of the doubt?

rhill

“Life Coaches” are human, too, and I’m putting myself in ALL of their shoes, including Rob’s. They go through stuff just like we do.

We don’t now what went down between Letoya and Rob, and I’m sure Rob doesn’t have the ability to see the future. We all go through life with unexpected situations, and experts on life, love, and relationships are no exceptions. As Hill would probably say, “We’re all one choice away from living a completely different life.”

People like Hill are allowed to go through negative experiences. Experiences, good and bad, are what makes us who we are today.

 

 

Saying how we feel is something a lot of us fail at achieving. At an early age, we were taught the art of “people pleasing”- from saying yes when we really mean no to holding back from what we want to say for fear of rejection or offending someone.

The golden question is… how do we get over that fear and say exactly what’s on our minds?

The other day, my best friend and I had a conversation about not speaking from the heart and it led me to believe that I still suffer from the art of “people pleasing”. Because of my fear, I limit myself from being truthful, because my current situation is comfy, cozy, and feels really good. If I speak what’s on my mind and in my heart, my cozy place might start to feel familiarly uncomfortable, and I don’t want to end up in that place…again.

 

So…I play it safe.

 

If this seems familiar to you, then perhaps you should work on that inevitable fear I speak of. I feel it, so I know you do, too! Acknowledge your fear and work on getting rid of it.

How do we get rid of the fear?

*Being honest with ourselves

*Seeing the bigger picture

*Understanding how important it is for others to “get you”

*Realizing that we won’t have regrets later

*Realizing that if we don’t speak up, resentment could take place

 

For the fearless folks who doesn’t hesitate on speaking what’s on your mind, I admire you. It only means that you can embrace whatever the outcome will be. I guess for me, practice makes perfect. I won’t say I’m completely fearful. More like…cautious; waiting for the right time, thinking of what to say and how I should say it, and waiting for the moment when I can stop replaying the possible rejection in my head.

 

Women are competitive with each other by nature. We don’t mean to be, but we always manage to put ourselves in an emotional position to try to “do better” than the next chick. Especially when it involves a man who they’re both dating. Men use this behavior from women to their full advantage. While I can say that some women wouldn’t waste their time or energy competing with another woman for a man’s attention, it’s the rest of you that fully believes in the term “fight for your man”. It’s bad enough that both of you women are allowing a dude to mistreat you, but it’s doubly wrong when you both are aware of each other. Instead of checking him, you go for each other’s blood, trying to win him over. Neither one of you is realizing the fact that dude is playin’ the both of you!  While you two are playing “Tug-of-War” with his attention span, he’s either at his boy’s crib, talking and laughing about how dumb y’all look over a game of Spades, or somewhere else building something meaningful with an ambitious chick.

The fact that a man is involved with another woman means nothing to a woman who’d rather fight than walk away with her dignity, because in their minds, he’s with the wrong one. They’ll try to prove that over and over by doing double overtime on exposing the other chick’s weaknesses and flaws. Her plan is to exploit the other chick’s flaws to make herself look good, hoping that will convince the man to cut her off.

Let’s not forget about the women on power trips. She may not even be into the guy like that, but she just doesn’t want to lose to the other woman. The extra flirting, the overwhelming need to keep him pleased, and the constant need to put the other woman down are all qualities of a woman determined to win him over–anticipating the feeling of power over the other woman.

If you’re reading this post and it seems very familiar to you. I want you to think long and hard about how you’d look in this man’s eyes. This man you obviously is “head-over-heels” for. He has you doing things you thought you’d never do, because you don’t want to lose him to the other chick. Honestly darlin’…you’ve lost him before you even got him. That may not make sense now, but when you sit and think about all the silly shit you’ve done, it’ll sink in. A guy is really not that into you when he has another woman he’s dealing with. Use your common sense. Any guy that chooses to exercise his options will continue to do so, especially if you’re aware of it. How mad can you be with him when you spend time competing for his full attention with all of your extra “girlfriend privileges”? You are not special…you are simply a woman he’s using as a “placeholder” until someone genuinely special comes along..and that could go for the both of you.

All of those extra privileges you’re giving him, you could be giving to a dude who won’t have you out here, looking 10-karat stupid. If a dude is really into you, the one thing you’ll never have to do is fight for his attention.

 

When we are in a fresh relationship, we tend to stop doing the things we were doing for ourselves before we become in one. Our main goal once we commit is keeping our mate happy, by all means necessary. We don’t mean to put ourselves on the back-burner, but it feels so good to be in a relationship, we shift our priorities, because we feel that our significant others are important. We forget that to keep a healthy relationship, we must, sometimes, put ourselves first.

The moment we make our relationship official, we tend to make decisions revolving around our mates. That’s totally normal, except we’ve forgotten about our plans, our goals, our LIFE.

Here are 3 ways we lose ourselves in a relationship.

 

Dimming your light– What I mean by this is if you have an opportunity to be greater than you already are, then take it. Don’t try to spare your mate’s feelings or ego by turning down any opportunity that would involve more travel, more success, or provide you with more financial stability. You would also turn down these opportunities for fear of losing him/her. Don’t do yourself the disservice.

Not honoring your commitments to yourself– Before going into a relationship, you had all kinds of goals that you wanted to accomplish. Now that you have a significant other, your personal goals are no longer a priority. It’s my belief that a goal-oriented person has one of the qualities that men/women find attractive. So, why stop your personal goals and your life plans because you have a “boo”?

Neglecting your feelings– When our significant other does something we don’t agree with, we keep our thoughts and/or opinions to ourselves to spare an argument. As a result, we neglect our feelings to keep them satisfied. Disregarding how we truly feel about situations is never a good thing. Like a pipe, when there’s enough pressure, that pipe will bust. All of the feelings you’re holding in, will eventually make you bust…just like that pipe! Express to your significant other about how you really feel about things. Sharing what you like and dislike with your partner may lessen the chances for an argument.

 

I wonder about all the fairy tales that were read to us as lil girls. The cartoons where the princess & her prince lives happily ever after, the movies that glorified romance in such a beautiful way…it made me feel as though love was perfect & the source of all of my happiness, until we grew up & realized that love is anything but.

Then, I wonder why my mom NEVER told me how hard it would be. Just the other day I wanted to call her & say, “Ma, what’s up with that?”…lol. In all honesty, our moms can give us but so much advice on love & how to love a man & maintain a great relationship, but it is ultimately up to us as women on how we do it. You can fall in love with a great man, a man who is not so great, or you can just fall in love with the idea of being in love, not seeing the man beyond his exterior. I must admit that I was one of those women who couldn’t tell the difference. Now I can.

What now?

Love takes a lot of hard work to build & even more hard work to stay in it! Love is not what is pretended to be in movies, television & even in cartoons where they pretty much confuse our little girls as we speak! We used to suck our teeth & shake our heads at the sappy love music on the radio until we’ve experienced what the singer is talking about. That’s when we stand & praise to it like we’re in church catching the holy ghost!

I see myself as a woman where I think EVERY man should fall in love with me! I’m not vain nor conceited, but for every other woman who thinks the same way, I’m pretty sure y’all understand. So, why is it so damn hard for so many of us? The “Cinderella” mentality  has really brainwashed us! Our expectations of romance & falling in love are high, believing it could be a beautiful thing to experience, but in the REAL world, it takes a lot more than just getting the glass slipper.

It’s true that the best love you can have is the love that you give yourself. Honestly…I can love myself with all the love that is built inside of me to the core, but there will come a time when you want to have someone hold you, kiss you, & to the world your just one person, but that person lets it be known that you ARE their world!

I’m not gonna spend my time searching for love. In searching for it, I feel I will come across nothing but confusion & heartache. Love is very strange. It makes us do & say things we wouldn’t normally do or say. Fairy Tales never taught us about the downside of love. Therefore, we as mothers & women who have experienced the ups & downs of love should teach our kids that it’s not all peaches & cream. We need to tell them to prepare for the reality of it. We have to teach them that love also puts us in a position to get hurt. We sacrifice our hearts for love.

The reality of love between a man & a woman is that it has to be felt & built from the ground up from both. Make sure you’re in love with the person & not the idea of being in love because it’s not fair to neither one of you if you cannot tell the difference. sometimes, ppl can’t even tell when love exists, because they’re blind to it. Love can smack them in the face, but to them it’s assault.  Either you put your all into love, or it will break you down. No movie, cartoon or even music can tell you that much.

With so much temptation in the world, one would say that staying dedicated to one partner is impossible. Contrary to popular belief, Monogamy still exists. As a culture, we’ve failed miserably at practicing it. I look forward to the day when we as a culture can accept one partner to court because we’ll feel one partner is all we need.

Too many of us crave variety

In some cases, the sexual passion we develop for  our partner fades with time

Many ppl believe monogamy goes against human nature.

If you are one of those people who don’t practice monogamy, you’ll get no judgment from me. However, I’m judging you for not being honest with your partner. 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce with extramarital sex as the leading cause. There’s a lot of unhappy and unlucky in love people because of the selfishness and dishonesty of their mates. A lot of relationships are started under false pretenses when one assumes what he or she wants is what their mate wants and that’s being committed to only each other. I used to think it was generational, meaning folks born in the nineties were more likely to fail at monogamy than the older generation. Single folks in my generation are suffering just as bad, if not more!

In the dating world, there’s a subconscious pattern for “unsure” folks who are confused about what they really want. There’s a little voice that pops up and asks “Do I stay or do I stray?” when they feel things are getting too serious. Their environment and their social life play a huge part in their decision-making. Unfortunately, considering the feelings of the mate is the least of their worries. Why? They HAVE to do what’s best for THEMSELVES, first and foremost. They’re oblivious to the fact that they have a fear of commitment. As a result, they mask it with “being free to please”.

Wil there ever be a time when our culture will embrace serial monogamy? Probably not. It’s idealistic, but not realistic. With so much sexual temptation and the need to have “options”, I would be crazy to think that would really happen. I look forward to it, but I’m not going to kill myself by holding my breath. What will matter is that I’ll be blessed with an honest mate one day; one who’s aware of the world we live in, but to him…I’m his world. Monogamy can exist with the right person.

 

 

It’s a question that everyone seems to have a hard time answerin, because a lot of folks think it goes hand in hand. Well…I beg to differ. In my opinion, you can easily separate the two. Think about it!

Definition of love– 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, sibling, friend, or significant other.

Definition of Respect-A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Both definitions definitely describe a venerated feeling from one person to another due to admiration. It’s generally the same, but different overall. While I wish I could say that if you’re loved then you’re easily respected, I just can’t. I will take respect over love any day. What trips me out is that some folks will break down love with “unconditional love”. No matter how deep or “unconditional” a person’s love may have for you, that person still needs to respect you twice as much. Respect really goes a long way and if you don’t see that, then I’d have to ask how blinded you can be when it comes to “love”? Would you as a person who is experiencing love even recognize DISrespect if it happens?

 

A prime example of love VS. respect is the broken relationships (particularly marriages). The high divorce rate is staggering in the US, because of husbands/wives stepping out of their marriages and having affairs. Sure! Hubby loves wifey and Vice Versa, but having an affair certainly doesn’t classify as respect. Another example of love/respect…since some of the readers wanna include “unconditional” in the mix…our love for our kids are definitely unconditional….but I pray that they don’t grow to think it’s okay to steal money out of Mommy’s purse. Stealing money out of Mommy’s purse is definitely not respectful, but I won’t stop loving them because of that. Of course, I want my kids to love me unconditionally, but I want respect 10 times much because it shows that they’ll honor me enough to do what is deemed as appropriate and well-mannered. Of course, I want my future boo to love me because I’m fly! 😉 However, respect is better because he will treat me as an equal part of his life and will do everything in his respectful manner to see to it that I’m happy and fulfilled in our relationship.

In case you think I am, no…I am not knocking love. Love is very important in a relationship, especially intimate ones. If the person is worth your love then by all means, LOVE ON! But, don’t forget with love SHOULD come loads of amount of respect for one another. One can NEVER function properly without the other. That goes particularly for those in romantic relationships.

So, when it come down to it, I’m #TeamRespect. Not because I choose not to love or care not to be loved, but I choose to be honored accordingly as the person you see me as…a mom, a friend, a hard worker, and even a lover.

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