Image by Devin Trent Photography

If I could count how many times I’ve walked pass a guy on the street who boldly suggests I should stop looking mean and smile, I’d be rich. There are two reasons why that bothers me.

1)I’m never aware of what my face looks like, especially when I’m in no particular mood. Nine times out of ten, I could be having an awesome day!

2) It’s always a man who would suggest I smile.

It’s obvious that some men expect women to appease to their demands in some form or fashion. Because the look on my face doesn’t make you comfortable, you…a stranger…feel the need to tell me how I should fix my face. That is not only bold but inappropriate on so many levels.

Even if a woman was having a bad day, it’s not a man’s place or concern to tell her what she should do. A woman you don’t know is not obligated to make you comfortable. We are not here for you to criticize our facial expressions. If we want to look mean, we have every right to without your approval or disapproval. It’s simply not your business.

Why should I smile to please you?

Why should I smile at all?

What these bold guys fail to realize is that asking a woman why she look so mean and telling her to smile actually deepens whatever frustration she may have had earlier in the day. She doesn’t need your unsolicited and superfluous advice.

It’s unfortunate that black women in general are already labeled as “angry, bitter, mean”, or have attitude problems. Our men feed into that, which in my opinion, deepens society’s perception of us. Asking a woman why she look mean penetrates the notion that that’s what we naturally are. In most cases…like ALL humans…we naturally “look” mean, because we may have had a bad day, week, month, or life. First, we’re not gonna tell you why we look mean! Secondly, we don’t know you, so why would you even expect an answer?

To be honest, if you’re THAT concerned about why a black woman on the street look mean, maybe it’s because she, along with her circle of sisters, her mother, her aunts, and cousins have to live in a world where we struggle with being accepted as equals. Maybe it’s the fact that we deal with the daily stresses of life from maintaining a household to dealing with sexual objectification and misogyny. So, to answer your question “Why we look mean?”

That’s your answer.

The next time you fix your mouth to ask another woman on the street why she look mean….don’t. Better yet…try asking a man and see if you’ll get the response you want.

For the longest time, I have battled with my weight, because I believed that I actually had weight to battle. Because of that damn BMI, I was convinced that I was “overweight”. Maybe to doctors, I am. However, I no longer feel like I am, so screw doctors!

If you’ve never heard of Body Mass Index, it’s a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of height in meters. Obviously, this index doesn’t take into account the health, flexibility, strength, and muscle mass of a person. It certainly doesn’t pick up on a person’s self-acceptance, confidence, and the ability to look beyond numbers on a scale.

I don’t feel obese, or even overweight for that matter! In fact, I feel beautiful and I embrace every inch of my curves. As long as I continue to eat healthy and work out to the best of my ability, I’m good.

I don’t meet society’s standards of normal weight, but society is not going to tell me I shouldn’t be happy and confident with the skin I’m in because I’m not 5’9″.

This is why people are suffering in silence with an eating disorder, becoming addicted to fat loss surgery, and forming other unhealthy habits that could be destructive to one’s mind, body, and soul.

I say stay off the scales, unless you really want to know how much you weight. Remember… not becoming obsessed with the number on the scale keeps away that inevitable pressure to live up to the standard of others and not your own.

It’s time for us to be REAL with ourselves in a world full of FAKE.

No…I’m not a new mother. My youngest child is 11-years-old. I’m just slim-thick in a short package and have been for some time, and you know what? I plan to stay this way, despite what society says.

Yes…I have thick thighs, a belly, and stretch marks…and YES….I’m STILL feeling myself.

The unrealistic pressure on women these days to get their figures to a certain level annoys me to no end. It’s my belief that not only society, but media also has a lot to do with how it negatively impacts the body image and self-esteem of women and girls.

The depiction of women in media are held by certain beauty standards. As a 160 lb.woman, short in stature, and a woman of color, I can’t relate to most of them. Am I bothered by it all? HELL YES! Will I let it negatively affect how I feel about my body? HELL NO!

Body image is both internal (personal) and external (society)

This includes:

How we perceive our bodies visually
How we feel about our physical appearance
How we think and talk to ourselves about our bodies
Our sense of how other people view our bodies

External forces, including a BMI, should never tell you how to view your body. Society should never make you change how you see your physical appearance. Unless your weight could affect you health wise, I say rock your thickness unapologetically. F*^k what a BMI chart says. F*^k what society says you should look like.

Self-love suppresses lack of confidence and external negative influence.

Love yourself

Image courtesy of Getty Images/Christopher Polk

When you think of the word, “intimacy”, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

What if I told you that the meaning of intimacy goes deeper than all of those.

Let’s look at Webster’s definition of intimacy…
the state of being intimate; a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.

Intimacy is openness, transparency, acceptance, being candid and honest, and sharing all of yourself beyond the physical. Intimacy is also self-revelation and being comfortable with sharing those revelations with your partner. To openly share your thoughts, your attitudes, and your feelings without feeling like you’ll be judged says a lot about how mature your relationship is.

Kendrick Lamar is the perfect example of a man who displays that kind of maturity. In a 2015 interview with ‘Billboard’, he had this to say about his fiance, Whitney Alford.



Kendrick perfectly illustrates what goes down in the truest form of intimacy; vulnerability, transparency, and obviously not being afraid to be any of that with his woman….his best friend 🙂


We have to distinguish the difference between true intimacy and false intimacy, as well.

False intimacy is lust, physical attraction and admiring the exterior of a person without truly knowing who they are on the inside. False intimacy can be tricky and it can lead situationships, as opposed to a healthy relationships.


Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner, not just physically. Allowing your partner to let their guard down is the best feeling in the world, because they are showing you that they’re trusting you with their inner most secrets and desires. That’s the kind of intimacy that will keep a relationship solid. A relationship without true intimacy can be boring and uninspiring.






I’ve given a fuck for most of my life and as a result, it has brought me many regrets about situations that I wish I could go back and change.  Now that I’m older, I know better.

Like me, I know you have gone through a period in your life where giving too many fucks in situations were fucks that did not deserve to be given.

We give a fuck when our bosses don’t appreciate our efforts at work…

We give a fuck when our birthday isn’t treated like a holiday…

We give a fuck about gaining weight and losing weight…

We give a fuck about folks liking us…

We give a fuck about folks NOT liking us…

We give a fuck about what people say and think about us…

We give a fuck about not enough money…

We give a fuck about too much money

We give so many fucks, that we’ve been subconsciously programmed to live life aiming for perfection, assuming that will make life stress-free.

There are also fucks I have not given that has made positive results in my life. It really depends on what we prioritize and what we tolerate.

Here are 8 ways to NOT give a fuck and live a stress-free life


  1. Know that it’s okay not to be perfect

Trying to be free as possible from all flaws, defects, bad decisions, etc, will stress you out until your hair falls out! It’s okay to make mistakes, make a bad decision and acknowledge our flaws, as long as we learn from them. Our flaws make us who we are. The mistakes and bad decision-making now will help us to be wiser and make better choices in the future. 

     2. Say no more often with assertion

When folks are not used to hearing you say no, it’ll be kind of hard to convince them that you mean it when you finally say it. Say NO like you mean it and if you must give them a reason, let it be known without hesitation.

    3. Know and love yourself for who you are

It takes a high level of self-esteem and self-love to accept yourself for who you are. When you accept yourself for who you are, what people think of you will be the least of your concerns. In fact, it’s none of your business what people think of you. You just keep on being fierce!

     4. Eat and drink what you want without guilt

This doesn’t mean eat McDonald’s everyday and devour a bottle of Jack Daniels every night. This simply mean that it’s okay to take a small break from your usual clean eating to go get a pizza with friends. It’s also okay to treat yourself to Coldstone once in a while. 

     5. Be okay with how much time you give your workout routine.

If 10 minutes is all you got for your workout session, 10 minutes of working out is all you need!  If you don’t workout, that’s okay, too!



    6. Blessings occur during different times in our lives.

Just because what you want happened for someone else doesn’t mean it won’t happen for you. Stop giving a fuck about why you’re “not there” and just enjoy the progress to getting there. 

    7.) Develop a lifestyle or hobby that you can be proud of

When developing healthy habits that will add value to your life, you also develop habits that will help you set positive goals. Work on those goals that will help you attain a feel-good lifestyle. 

     8. Accept that some things are uncontrollable

Knowing that we cannot change the things/situations we cannot control is a surefire way to decrease the fucks given in almost any situation. When in doubt, know that you’ve done what you could to the best of your ability to make situations better for you and/or all involved.

Saying how we feel is something a lot of us fail at achieving. At an early age, we were taught the art of “people pleasing”- from saying yes when we really mean no to holding back from what we want to say for fear of rejection or offending someone.

The golden question is… how do we get over that fear and say exactly what’s on our minds?

The other day, my best friend and I had a conversation about not speaking from the heart and it led me to believe that I still suffer from the art of “people pleasing”. Because of my fear, I limit myself from being truthful, because my current situation is comfy, cozy, and feels really good. If I speak what’s on my mind and in my heart, my cozy place might start to feel familiarly uncomfortable, and I don’t want to end up in that place…again.


So…I play it safe.


If this seems familiar to you, then perhaps you should work on that inevitable fear I speak of. I feel it, so I know you do, too! Acknowledge your fear and work on getting rid of it.

How do we get rid of the fear?

*Being honest with ourselves

*Seeing the bigger picture

*Understanding how important it is for others to “get you”

*Realizing that we won’t have regrets later

*Realizing that if we don’t speak up, resentment could take place


For the fearless folks who doesn’t hesitate on speaking what’s on your mind, I admire you. It only means that you can embrace whatever the outcome will be. I guess for me, practice makes perfect. I won’t say I’m completely fearful. More like…cautious; waiting for the right time, thinking of what to say and how I should say it, and waiting for the moment when I can stop replaying the possible rejection in my head.



It leaves you wondering what’s missing about you
It makes you believe it’s your fault
It’ll have you doubting your own capabilities and your fierceness
It makes you weak
Lose optimism
It makes you feel less beautiful & desirable
It makes you compare
It makes you give up and not ever want it again.
What is “it”, you ask?
Love and respect
…but not from others
from yourself.

We’ve done all of the aforementioned. Why? We feel the need to be loved, respected, desired, and beautiful.

But what happens when we get an epiphany that changes our whole way of thinking?
We begin to tell ourselves that we’re beautiful.
We begin to tell ourselves that we’re desirable
We begin to respect ourselves as the women we are.
…and because we’ve made the choice to tell ourselves all those things, it proved that we could love and/or respect ourselves way more than he could ever do.
You see….being rejected hurts like hell
But it doesn’t have to.
Once we realize that a man’s rejection is nothing but his best compliment of us, we will understand that maybe…just maybe he thinks YOU deserve better.
Maybe he doesn’t see the beauty in you…and that’s okay.
What he doesn’t see in you, someone else will.
So, when you become rejected by someone, don’t doubt yourself or lose your ability to stay confident.

A rejection could be a blessing in disguise.



Sometimes, we place ourselves in a position to care “too much” about others. We deal with the inevitable circumstance where we carry their burdens because we want to feel what they’re feeling. It’s a part of falling in love or developing deep feelings for someone who we’re uncertain feels the same way. It may seem strange, but it’s common, believe it or not. As a result, we lend our hearts, our kind words of encouragement, and hope that they see our hearts and words as the “pillow” to lay on when they’re emotionally tired.



Unfortunately, we as people pleasers will get tired of loaning our pillows to those who appear to not be appreciative. I’ve learned that if that becomes the outcome, I will choose not to feel helpless, hurt, or disappointed. Ppl don’t always respond the way we want for various reasons. It’s okay to pray for them. Ultimately, we’ll have to decide to not give up and continue to offer emotional support or let go. Not giving up is okay but sometimes, it takes letting go for them to see what you’ve wanted them to see all along.
In the end, always protect your heart.

I’ve always questioned the term ‘Ride or Die’.

What exactly is a ‘Ride or Die’ type of person?

Is this someone who accepts all the BS from their partner but let that shit slide, because it’s “out of love”?

Do a person consider his/her partner “Ride or Die” because he/she knows when fuckups happen, the partner will eventually forgive you enough to make the relationship work?

Does a “Ride or Die” person have wifey/hubby potential, as long as they put up with…anything?

Are ‘Ride or Die’ ppl only women?

Maybe it’s just me, but when it comes to being loyal, I expect not only reciprocity but that optimistic feeling of trust and mutual respect. However, that’s not always the case. In fact, we know of people who are in relationships and are going through HELL behind closed doors while fakin’ the funk in public. I don’t know about you all, but I’d rather wear a genuine smile more than shed a thousand tears from too much BS from a significant other just to prove how ‘Ride or Die’ I am.  I understand that relationships will NEVER be perfect. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, but how much imperfection will you tolerate before you realize how much you’re gettin’ played? There’s a difference between being loyal and being taken advantage of.

I’ve asked my friends to give their definition of what ‘Ride or Die’ means to them. The answers included:


Someone you can count on, regardless of the situation

Hell or high water

Going through the good, the bad and the ugly!

Someone who will have your back, even when they’re mad at you

I get all of that! I really do. In fact, I would encourage people who are in relationships to express their loyalty by sticking with their partner but to a degree. Let me give you more definitions, then I’ll explain.


Wiki definition: A Hip Hop spin on the popular mythology of Bonnie and Clyde, the ride-or-die chick refers to a woman who has undying loyalty for her partner and is willing to stand by them through anything, even in the face of death.

Urban Dictionary’s definition: To be down with your husband/wife no matter what, through it all the good and the bad. (KEYWORDS-Husband/Wife); ‘Ride or Die’ chick-A chick that ain’t afraid to be down with her man. She’ll do anything her man needs her to do. Basically down for both the bad and the good.




I’m not married, but I expect the married folks to go by the whole ‘Ride or Die’ phenomena, because that’s how you keep a marriage strong. I guess I’m old-fashioned because I don’t think ‘Ride or Die’ should apply to folks in basic (sexual) relationships. Too many folks confuse loyalty with being taken advantage of and as a result, they ‘stick around’, because they feel obligated after putting so much energy into establishing the relationship. They also put up with shenanigans because of how they feel about the person. I guess loyalty depends on what a person is willing to tolerate. Personally, I want to “live” and enjoy the fruits of a respectful and loving relationship, and if I’m ‘riding’ for you, let me know where we’re going. Give me the chance to decide if the dynamic of our relationship agrees with my heart!

I salute anyone who is a ‘Ride or Die’, particularly the women. You all are obviously emotionally mature enough to work overtime trying to keep your partner “on his toes” and still love him. Does all of this “sticking around” occurs after you find out he/she’s cheated? (enquiring minds wants to know).


When it all boils down to it, being ‘Ride or Die’ means that you’re sacrificing your heart and needs to keep your partner pleased. Even if it means accepting the shenanigans. The most you’ll do is tell  your partner that you don’t like what was done and HOPE it doesn’t happen again. The result? Your partner has moved on and you’re on pins and needles, wondering if your partner is being faithful. But why does that matter if you’re ‘Ride or Die’?

There’s being ‘Ride or Die’ and  then there’s being ‘foolish’.

Which one are you?





There was a time when I associated couples who appeared to be successful with “relationship goals”. Then one day, I came to the realization that what looks good on the outside may not look as good on the inside when it comes to others’ relationships.

Relationships require a lot of work to stay healthy and genuine, and I’m sure for some of us single people, it could be difficult to go from “all about me” to “sacrifice for us”. The rest of us who are in relationships are probably thinking they’d be happier single because things aren’t going as expected.

When we start a relationship with our partner, we go through “trial and error”. Believe it or not, we’re still getting to know our mates from the inside out, so best believe, single folks shouldn’t feel bad for being single. Singlehood is a part of life! Singlehood gives us the opportunity to discover who we are as individuals, so when we are finally ready to explore a relationship, we’ll mesh well with our partner.

That beautiful couple with the big smiles you see on your Facebook news feed probably used a lot of energy, tears, and pain to get where they are today. That successful Hollywood couple you adore in movies and television probably spent a few years in counseling for extramarital affairs. I’m pretty sure that elderly couple walking towards you in the aisle of the supermarket went through extreme measures to keep their marriage solid through the hectic times in the 50s and 60s when racism was unbearable and oppression was thick among black communities.

The POV is…..all couples have a story to tell…and their stories aren’t all “peaches n cream”.


Some of us who are single yearns to be in a loving relationship, and some of us who are in relationships yearns to be single again because their relationship isn’t prospering. It all comes down to what we’re willing to tolerate and fight for and what we feel we shouldn’t invest energy on.

In conclusion, I’d like to encourage the single folks that when the time is right, you will be in a relationship you deserve. The one thing you’d want to remember is not to dwell too much on wanting a relationship. When you do, the dwelling will grow into an obsession that will hinder you and make you seem desperate and needy to your partner, and we don’t want that. Every one of us experiences different things in each chapter in our lives. That nice couple you see and wish you could have a relationship like theirs could be at chapter 19 while you’re on chapter 27 (and vice versa).


Since 2004, changing our relationship status on Facebook has somehow become more meaningful to us. We can share the news of our newly committed relationship to our family and friends, but oddly enough, letting Facebook know is the highest level of confirmation for them…and for the person who changes it.

It’s a beautiful thing when you both mutually decide to inform Facebook because you both are in love.

But what if you are the only one who thought you were in a committed relationship?

It could be extremely humiliating to later discover that you’ve acted prematurely on the assumption that you’re in a committed relationship.

So, after months of dating, this guy has totally swept you off of your feet. He does and says all the right things and even show signs of wanting something more with you. The truth is…we are never sure what HE wants until he expresses wanting a commitment So, why are we changing our FB status, only to be humiliated for all to witness?

Like I’ve said in this blog piece, we don’t often see how huge a mistake it is until you realize you and him/her wasn’t meant to be.

That’s why it’s important to “test the waters” for a while before changing your relationship status. Here are 4 main reasons why you should.

You should take the time to build a foundation– Take time to evaluate the relationship without sex. Would the relationship survive without sexual intercourse? Can you both find other ways to be intimate? Can you reach each other on a deeper level? These are questions you should ask yourself before telling yourself he’s “the one”.

Make sure you both are on the same page-  Knowing you both share similar ideas about the relationship definitely helps. Don’t jump in too fast because of how he makes you feel. You have to make sure he feels the same way, obviously. Even if he does, you have to make sure he’s ready for a committed relationship, as well.

Take time to strengthen your relationship before making it public– Time is a gift and when we use it wisely getting to know your significant other, we receive the biggest of blessings. Building a solid relationship with genuine love and respect takes time. Use the time to invest in each other, mind, body, and soul. Get the full scope of their being and find ways to mesh theirs with your being.

Learn to not use Facebook as motivation– When you’re in love, you want the whole world to know! As a result, you anticipate the day you can change our FB status. Nothing is wrong with that because that’s the thing to do in the age of social media; upgrade your “single” status to “in a relationship”. If it’s something you both want, great! However, the one thing I’d encourage is to not let social media, particularly Facebook, be your main source of motivation to prove how much in love you are. You’re simply trying to impress folks who don’t matter if you do. Again…for those who act too prematurely, we’re not even sure if you and your significant other are on the same page yet.

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