I targeted my women readers with one of my most popular posts, He Doesn’t Want You, But You Still Sleep With Him, and was praised for giving the cold hard truth! I dig that my ladies dig my brutal honesty. I’ve been “that lady” before, so it was a pleasure to share my thoughts in hopes my ladies gained clarity and self-worth! I don’t want to leave out my men readers, so I feel compelled to share what I think about the whole “non-relationship/relationship-type” involvement with the ladies in your lives without properly addressing the fact that you’re not giving her no more than some dick and a trip to Miami.

My guys…you all have every right to have options. I would never knock y’all for that. The problem I have is that you’re making your lady think she’s a priority and the only one, and that’s where you lose cool points. There are sooooo many women out here who believe that they are “special” and the only one you’re giving attention to. They’ll eventually believe they are in a committed relationship because you choose the right words to say while mind-fucking her with everything she wants to hear.

I get it….

When you deal with a woman who practices loyalty to you, you’re going to do just enough to keep her around. You’ll even go as far as letting your parents meet her. Honestly, parents never count; Because you’re a great son, they’ll support your ho-tactics and never speak of your other women you’ve had at the house. You’re so good at your scam of a relationship, she totally bypasses the fact that you didn’t give her a title. She “feels” committed based off your actions and naturally so. However, You have yet to give her a title or a commitment, because a “non-titled” relationship gives you the freedom to come and go. That’s the epitome of a selfish person.

This woman is obviously in love with you and if you care about her like you pretend to, you’d be honest with her. You owe her that much. The worst that could happen is you being every kind of asshole followed by endless tears, but why does that matter when you can hit up your options across town, right? (sarcasm)

A lady would respect you more if you are honest from the beginning. No leaving out stuff you should’ve told her and no “half-truths”. EVERYTHING. I understand that a pretty face and a phat ass can be distracting. Somehow, those assets will make a guy, who had every intention of being honest, into a guy who allowed his penis to think for him.

You are using this woman’s love for you to feed your ego like coins to a meter. Eventually, she’ll have not a drop of love left to offer herself and that’s exactly where you want her. The more of a priority you are to her, the more susceptible she is to be manipulated.

She’s mentally planning y’all wedding, even down to the “first song”.

Meanwhile, you’re across town inside “Michelle’s” vaginal walls.

You have the responsibility of making things right. The longer you allow her to believe you’re committed to her, the more painful it’ll be for her when she finds out. What can you possibly gain by leading her on and letting her think you both are on the same page? If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? It’s very noble of her to remain faithful to you, so I could understand why you appreciate her. BUT…if her vagina and her love for you don’t curve your appetite for optional p%$$y, then you need to make that known.

Do what’s right and give her a choice.

When I ask if you’re exceptional or basic, it has nothing to do with how you live, how much money you have, or what brand labels are in your closet, but it has everything to do with how the man in your life views you.

How a man views you is how he’ll treat you and it’s up to you, a woman who yearns for respect and honesty in a relationship, to make sure he treats you like you deserve. It starts with growing enough balls to express what you won’t allow and what you desire. However, some of us tend to forget the importance of that and allow our passive aggressiveness to weaken our ability to demand what we want and/or need in a relationship. That’s what basic women do. I can tell you from experiences from women I know and from my own experiences that a lot of men LOVE some basic women!

Why? He knows that under all of that fake tough and demanding exterior, is a woman ready to fall in love. Basic women want to be in a relationship so badly, any amount of attention from him makes her feel like what they have is worth her holding onto, even if he shows signs of being messy. He knows that if he shows signs of being messy, his basic woman will fake the funk and pretend to leave if he doesn’t shape up. When that man starts to put one foot out the door, his basic woman will suddenly have a change of heart, out of fear of losing him to another woman or being alone. A few weeks or a few months have gone by and at this point, you’re frustrated because it feels like you’re investing a lot more into the relationship than he is. In some cases, this has happened more than once in a relationship that’s at least four months old. I guarantee you that 85% of y’all reading this have experienced a relationship like this, currently in a relationship like this, or know someone who is.

Truth be told, the men in these type of relationships are just as basic, because only an exceptional man will not take his woman for granted. It’s been said that we are who we attract…basic dudes attract basic women because they can get away with shit while playing with their basic women’s hearts.

The good thing is…It doesn’t have to be that way.

A woman goes from ‘basic’ to ‘exceptional’ when she learns to “toughen up” and not let the idea of being alone frighten her. An exceptional woman is honest with herself, as well as with him, about what she’s worthy of and she won’t feel bad for expressing that. Only a basic dude will try to make her feel that way for selfish reasons. An exceptional woman respects herself and demands respect from her partner. If he can’t meet those demands, that exceptional woman will have no problem cutting him off like a price tag on a new blouse!

Exceptional women will not chase. If he decides to leave, let him. Leaving already proves that he can’t love you like you deserve.

Between the delusion of thinking a man can be changed, the extreme thirst for wanting genuine love, and some ‘sunshine’ vagina, it could be difficult for a woman to change her basic ways. In order for her to become exceptional, she has to accept the fact that a man cannot be changed and it’s possible that her vagina may not be the best he’s ever had. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting genuine romantic love, but there are more proper ways to go about receiving it and that’s to NOT look for it in a guy who isn’t even your boyfriend. Stop looking for love PERIOD.

Focus on being exceptional. Only then, will the man who’ll truly love you will find you…and that’s when you’ll least expect it.

Remember the days when we couldn’t wait to turn on the radio?

The music that played across the airwaves was music that made us smile and reminisce…music that snatched our souls and made us yearn for more…music that made you want to fall in love and stay in it….music that just made you feel good!

Today, most of us barely listen to the radio for a few reasons.

Music today has lost so much substance, meaning, value and the lyrics are so degrading and misogynistic, you can’t help but wonder if the music actually reflects the dynamic between men and women, which has changed for the worst. It has gotten so bad over the years that we keep the radio off so that our kids doesn’t become exposed to such negativity.

Let’s go back to the days when music meant something.

There were love songs like “On Bended Knee” by BoyzIIMen, “With You” by Tony Terry, “Soon as I Get Home” by Babyface, “Can We Talk” by Tevin Campbell, “Yearning For Your Love” by The Gap Band, “P.Y.T” by Michael Jackson, “Nothing Compares to You” by Prince, “A Long Walk” by Jill Scott, “Brown Sugar” by D’Angelo, “I Need Love” by LL Cool J, “Pretty Brown Eyes” by Mint Condition, and ANYTHING by Luther Vandross.

There were conscious, supportive, and happy songs like “Lost Ones” by Lauren Hill, “Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin, and “Brotha” by Angie Stone”.

You can’t even change the dial on the radio without hearing demeaning lyrics, which in many cases, us women dance to at the club, as long as the beat is right!

It used to be rap artists that were the primary musicians with misogynistic lyrics. Unfortunately, lyrics of such nature has carried over into the R&B scene. Titles like “These Hoes ain’t Loyal”, and R&B songs with the word “bitch” thrown in a few times, A lot of these R&B songs are no longer pleasant to our ears or our hearts.

We, as fans, want to support these artists because they are talented. But, how can we spend money on a project that teaches their fans, particularly the young and impressionable ones, that treating women with misogynistic behavior is okay?

As a fan of music and an observer, I am convinced that the music of today has shown us the true dynamic between men and women in these modern times. I’m convinced the true dynamic between women and men is partly the reason dating has become hard to do.

But that’s a whole new blog post

 

The bottom line is I don’t want to turn on the radio and hear “you stupid ass bitch, I ain’t fuckin’ with you!”, whether it’s censored or not. That particular song is not “R&B”, but that’s not the point, for those who wants to point that out.

I’ll either keep it on one station I’m satisfied with or listen to my customary playlist.

I see Ne-Yo, and Pharrell, and John Legend, and Jill Scott, and Kem, and Tyrese, and Ledisi, and Fantasia, and Musiq Soulchild, and BJ The Chicago Kid, and Kenny Lattimore, and a few other artists who are keeping R&B alive, safe, pleasant, and worth spending money on to add to our music collection.

Meanwhile, we search the internet for other talented and unknown artists who are missed under the radar, because the over-saturation of pop and unpleasant R&B has taken over the airwaves.

I understand that times change with each generation.

I understand that the generations under mine like the music they’ve grown accustomed to listening to.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that what they listen to lacks substance.

 

 

 

Image by Devin Trent Photography

If I could count how many times I’ve walked pass a guy on the street who boldly suggests I should stop looking mean and smile, I’d be rich. There are two reasons why that bothers me.

1)I’m never aware of what my face looks like, especially when I’m in no particular mood. Nine times out of ten, I could be having an awesome day!

2) It’s always a man who would suggest I smile.

It’s obvious that some men expect women to appease to their demands in some form or fashion. Because the look on my face doesn’t make you comfortable, you…a stranger…feel the need to tell me how I should fix my face. That is not only bold but inappropriate on so many levels.

Even if a woman was having a bad day, it’s not a man’s place or concern to tell her what she should do. A woman you don’t know is not obligated to make you comfortable. We are not here for you to criticize our facial expressions. If we want to look mean, we have every right to without your approval or disapproval. It’s simply not your business.

Why should I smile to please you?

Why should I smile at all?

What these bold guys fail to realize is that asking a woman why she look so mean and telling her to smile actually deepens whatever frustration she may have had earlier in the day. She doesn’t need your unsolicited and superfluous advice.

It’s unfortunate that black women in general are already labeled as “angry, bitter, mean”, or have attitude problems. Our men feed into that, which in my opinion, deepens society’s perception of us. Asking a woman why she look mean penetrates the notion that that’s what we naturally are. In most cases…like ALL humans…we naturally “look” mean, because we may have had a bad day, week, month, or life. First, we’re not gonna tell you why we look mean! Secondly, we don’t know you, so why would you even expect an answer?

To be honest, if you’re THAT concerned about why a black woman on the street look mean, maybe it’s because she, along with her circle of sisters, her mother, her aunts, and cousins have to live in a world where we struggle with being accepted as equals. Maybe it’s the fact that we deal with the daily stresses of life from maintaining a household to dealing with sexual objectification and misogyny. So, to answer your question “Why we look mean?”

That’s your answer.

The next time you fix your mouth to ask another woman on the street why she look mean….don’t. Better yet…try asking a man and see if you’ll get the response you want.

The dating realm doesn’t come without “the cat and mouse” game that we sometimes are forced to play. Whether it’s the guy chasing the woman or the woman chasing the guy…either way, chasing leaves room for one of them to make a fool out of themselves without realizing it. I feel compelled to share these 8 ways with my ladies because..well, I’m a lady. As every other lady in this world, I slipped up a few times when I was the “cat” in a few cat and mouse games and let me tell you…that doesn’t feel good. If you’re the type of lady who goes for yours, then do you ladybug. However, I’m convinced that there’s a thin line between being approachable and being desperate. For some of us, it could be difficult to be the pursuer without appearing needy. With that kind of situation, I’d encourage you, ladybug, to stop chasing and start persisting. Here are 8 ways to stop chasing that guy you want and the reasons why.

 

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  • Realize that you’re a catch

Reason-You are worthy enough to be pursued, so don’t let your “go get him” attitude get in the way of that. Believe it or not, men appreciate the opportunity for a healthy chase without you beating him to the punch every single time. If you are always doing the catch; being the pursuer and/or always approaching by texting/calling, Facebooking, and everything else FIRST, he’ll lose interest of you quickly, rather than gain it.

  • Give yourself a chance to be wanted

Reason- I think every woman wants to feel wanted by the guy she likes. However, it’s  unfortunate to use that as motivation to be the initiator for dates, making plans, etc. We can be so focused on making good impressions, we don’t often see how damaging it could be for us. Let that guy take the role as the “plan maker”. You’d want to see how much effort he’ll use with wanting to get to know you.

  • Let go of the idea of losing him or his interest in you

Reason-If you don’t remember anything else, remember that if he wants you, he’ll call you, text you, hits up your social media, etc. If he cares, he’ll show it. If he misses you, he’ll prove it. If his actions speak of not having any interest in you, don’t invest your time with trying to hold on to his by attention-seeking habits. He’s obviously showing you that you aren’t worth the effort.

  • Know that he’ll keep running

Reason- As long as you keep chasing/pursuing him, he’ll keep running. In his mind, you won’t go anywhere. When and if he’s ready to respond, he’ll hit you. He’s subconsciously showing you that you are on his time while you’re working overtime trying to convince him that you’re worth a date. Let that resonate with you.

  • You’ll give the right guy a chance to catch you

Reason- When you’re too busy trying to catch the wrong guy, you’ll miss your blessing with the right one. Simply put, you’re distracted by the wrong guy for all of the wrong reasons. This guy is wrong for you because he’s already showed you that. He’s going to keep running from you, as long as you continue to chase him. It’s not about you being a “go-getter”. It’s about recognizing what you do and don’t deserve. A man who is genuinely interested in you would never make you feel like you’re playing a game of cat and mouse.

  • Realize the possibility of you fighting for a spot in his heart/life

Reason- Has it ever crossed your mind that he could be dealing with another woman? Chances are he’s running from you because his heart and his mind are preoccupied with feelings and thoughts about another woman. Keep that in mind the next time you feel the urge to keep his attention.

  • Realize that God removes people from your life

Reason- God removes those who could be a lesson rather than a blessing. If you find yourself constantly chasing and initiating contact with this guy, then it’s for good reason. Maybe God is working on him. Learn when to chill and let things be. God’s got this!

  • Do you

Reason- Focus on your own stuff! Work on yourself, your goals, your kids, your passion etc. When you take the focus away from him, you give yourself the opportunity to grow your confidence and your fierceness by tending to your own needs.

 

 

When a woman loves you, she’ll prove it to you in many ways without actually saying those three powerful words. In fact, she may not be ready to tell you for fear of hurt or rejection and most likely will hope you say it first.

Many of us define love in many ways, so it could be hard to pinpoint how we’re feeling when we stare in our potential soul mate’s eyes. However, I feel compelled to reach out to my guys because you guys never seem to have a clue when it comes to love.

I say that with love.

You guys tend to not recognize true love when it comes your way because of the varying perceptions of love that’s been embedded in your minds from past experiences.

The whole point of this piece is to recognize the signs from her because honestly, we all have come across someone who will tell you they love you but their actions scream the complete opposite. You could also be with a woman who absolutely loves you but isn’t ready to say it for a few obvious reasons.

 

So, how do you know if she’s in love with you? If she shows these 10 signs, she is definitely in love with you!

 

  1. She gets every opportunity to stare into your eyes– They say the eyes are the windows to your soul. When she gazes into yours, she tries to see what your soul looks like. If you see her smile and/or blush as she gazes, she is just smitten with you. 
  2. She treats you like a priority– Someone who’s into you will make time for you. Whether it’s quality time or putting aside time to call and see about you says a lot about how important you are to her.
  3. She sees a future with you in it– If she includes you in her future short and long term plans, she is letting you know she isn’t going anywhere.
  4. She misses you when you’re not around– She thinks of you often when your absent and she reminds you every chance she gets until she sees you again.
  5. She won’t leave you hanging– In other words, she’ll keep you informed about her; what her day was like, what she’s done, and what she plans to do. It’s important to her that you know things. Not because she feels she need to, but because she wants to.
  6. Your happiness is important to her– When she loves you, your happiness is hers. She will try to avoid doing things that will make you unhappy and will make small/big efforts to keep a smile on your face.
  7. She sees and accepts you– Being in love is not just about how she feels. When she sees you, she values the kind of person that you are. She’s observant and remembers certain details about what you wore on a particular day, what you’ve said during a past conversation, etc. She notices how you interact with family, friends, how you express yourself and how you process emotions. She appreciates who you are and accepts the full scope of your being, whether your good habits or bad habits.
  8. She wants to be a part of your life– She’s letting you know that she’s investing into this relationship. Not only is she making it clear that she wants a future with you, she wants to be a part of your current world. She wants to see your world as you see it. She wants to know about your hobbies, your passions, and connect with them as much as time allows.
  9. She cuts off other guys– Nothing says love like dropping other dudes like bad habits. When she feels like there’s a genuine connection with you, she puts the brakes on other relationships to focus on the one guy she cares more about…You. That’s a surefire sign she’s taking you seriously.
  10. She wants you to meet her family and friends– When she’s in love with you, she wants to show you off to her loved ones. Feeling comfortable enough to introduce you to her kid(s) is definitely a surefire sign, considering how risky that could be. Meeting her kids assures you of the confidence she has about the relationship. She also cannot wait for you to meet her parents, siblings, friends, etc. She looks forward to meeting your loved ones. She’ll be nervous because she wants to make a good first impression, but she’ll be excited, nonetheless.

If she’s shown all of or even a few of these signs, then it’s time to act on the knowledge. If you’re both feeling the same way —communicate those feelings then celebrate the beautiful discovery together. But if you’re not feeling the same way, it’s time to have the tough, but much-needed conversation with her about why you cannot reciprocate those feelings. No one likes rejection, but being honest and straightforward with her will make her respect you and your decision more.

Being a mother can be a challenge.

Being a single mother can be a bigger challenge.

Being a single mother and dating is a highly difficult task!

No one said dating as a single parent would be easy, but dagnabbit! One would have to wonder why there wasn’t a warning! There are many factors single mothers have to consider when it comes to dating. Some we’ve expected and some we thought were impossible. The one thing I feel we can all agree on is that dating is HARD when you have little ones. Dating as a single mother can also be scary!

Single mothers also have to deal with the stigma that they’re looking for “fathers for their children”, which for the most part, is an assumption. The REAL father could be a part of their lives, but unfortunately…that’s not the initial thing that comes to the mind of a man who’s curious about the single mother he’s involved with.

Here are four ways single mothers can effectively balance the act of dating while being a mom:

Wait a while before introducing your guy to the kids- Introducing a prospective boyfriend to your kids is risky. Especially when you haven’t invested enough time in getting to know more of him. If things go south, you will not only be hurt, but the children will, too, because they’ve already gotten attached. Wait as long as you possibly can to introduce your guy to your kids. Waiting gives you the time to see if the both of you see the future on the same page.

 

Take pride in your low tolerance for bullshit- As single mothers, we’ve become less patient with any man who doesn’t live up to our particular standards. Because we spend most of our time with our children, we make sure we spend the bit of free time we have with someone with good qualities and not losers. One of the best ways to spend our free time is with people we like.

 

Be up front with your guy about your kid(s) father- The guy you’re dating becomes curious about the father of your little ones, as expected. Be honest about the relationship you and the father have and how much he’s a part of the kids’ lives with him. It will only make him respect you more.

 

You can still do the horizontal hokey pokey, but be discreet Whether the kids have met your guy or not, being intimate somewhere besides your home or when your kids are not home, is more appropriate. Not exposing them to clues that a man has spent the night shows respect for your children.

 

 

There’s a certain level of maturity one must have to have good dating experiences. Dating can be fun and enjoyable, as long as the person you’re dating isn’t using the same techniques and fulfilling the habits that were used while in their twenties…or even their teens. Like fine wine, dating SHOULD get better with age. Unfortunately, some folks do not believe in that sentiment.

Here are five dating habits that should get dropped as you get older!

Using your phone– The purpose for dating is getting to know the person. If you’re constantly texting, answering calls, or checking your social media, that not only screams rudeness, but it shows lack of effort in getting to know the person you’re with. Your full attention should be on him/her. Turn your phone off and show common courtesy.

The “figuring things out” excuse– This excuse is bullshit, especially if you’ve been dating the person for at least six months. What else is there to figure out??? At a certain point, you already know what a few of his/her underwear look like, as well as family life, desires, and this person is obviously liking you enough to stick around past 3 months, so either you’re all in or all out. Grow up and recognize when you’re in an adult relationship.

Being stuck in the past-This includes bringing up past loves, being doubtful about who you’re dating because of what happened in old relationships, or simply making the person you’re dating suffer because of what you went through with the last person. All of that could definitely hurt what could be the best relationship you’ll ever have. Don’t destroy it by living in the past.

Too picky– It’s okay to have standards unless your standards come with a list of must-haves, ranging from Idris Elba/Janet Jackson looks to a seven-figure income. Be mindful…sometimes, that person who looks like a model with an impressive bank account could be an asshole who will either abuse you or cheat on you. As you get older, you’ll realize that it’s not about any of that (looks, material possessions, etc). It’s about the genuine love this person could have for you.

Sex on the brain– This is not good, considering you’re still getting to know the person. If it’s a first date, being too forward and pressing for sex is a guaranteed last date in the process. Take things slowly because it’s the right thing to do. Unless you’re both horny dogs and planned the night to end with acrobatic, hot, butt-nekkid sex, being patient is necessary if you want the union to be taken seriously.

Saying how we feel is something a lot of us fail at achieving. At an early age, we were taught the art of “people pleasing”- from saying yes when we really mean no to holding back from what we want to say for fear of rejection or offending someone.

The golden question is… how do we get over that fear and say exactly what’s on our minds?

The other day, my best friend and I had a conversation about not speaking from the heart and it led me to believe that I still suffer from the art of “people pleasing”. Because of my fear, I limit myself from being truthful, because my current situation is comfy, cozy, and feels really good. If I speak what’s on my mind and in my heart, my cozy place might start to feel familiarly uncomfortable, and I don’t want to end up in that place…again.

 

So…I play it safe.

 

If this seems familiar to you, then perhaps you should work on that inevitable fear I speak of. I feel it, so I know you do, too! Acknowledge your fear and work on getting rid of it.

How do we get rid of the fear?

*Being honest with ourselves

*Seeing the bigger picture

*Understanding how important it is for others to “get you”

*Realizing that we won’t have regrets later

*Realizing that if we don’t speak up, resentment could take place

 

For the fearless folks who doesn’t hesitate on speaking what’s on your mind, I admire you. It only means that you can embrace whatever the outcome will be. I guess for me, practice makes perfect. I won’t say I’m completely fearful. More like…cautious; waiting for the right time, thinking of what to say and how I should say it, and waiting for the moment when I can stop replaying the possible rejection in my head.

 

Women are competitive with each other by nature. We don’t mean to be, but we always manage to put ourselves in an emotional position to try to “do better” than the next chick. Especially when it involves a man who they’re both dating. Men use this behavior from women to their full advantage. While I can say that some women wouldn’t waste their time or energy competing with another woman for a man’s attention, it’s the rest of you that fully believes in the term “fight for your man”. It’s bad enough that both of you women are allowing a dude to mistreat you, but it’s doubly wrong when you both are aware of each other. Instead of checking him, you go for each other’s blood, trying to win him over. Neither one of you is realizing the fact that dude is playin’ the both of you!  While you two are playing “Tug-of-War” with his attention span, he’s either at his boy’s crib, talking and laughing about how dumb y’all look over a game of Spades, or somewhere else building something meaningful with an ambitious chick.

The fact that a man is involved with another woman means nothing to a woman who’d rather fight than walk away with her dignity, because in their minds, he’s with the wrong one. They’ll try to prove that over and over by doing double overtime on exposing the other chick’s weaknesses and flaws. Her plan is to exploit the other chick’s flaws to make herself look good, hoping that will convince the man to cut her off.

Let’s not forget about the women on power trips. She may not even be into the guy like that, but she just doesn’t want to lose to the other woman. The extra flirting, the overwhelming need to keep him pleased, and the constant need to put the other woman down are all qualities of a woman determined to win him over–anticipating the feeling of power over the other woman.

If you’re reading this post and it seems very familiar to you. I want you to think long and hard about how you’d look in this man’s eyes. This man you obviously is “head-over-heels” for. He has you doing things you thought you’d never do, because you don’t want to lose him to the other chick. Honestly darlin’…you’ve lost him before you even got him. That may not make sense now, but when you sit and think about all the silly shit you’ve done, it’ll sink in. A guy is really not that into you when he has another woman he’s dealing with. Use your common sense. Any guy that chooses to exercise his options will continue to do so, especially if you’re aware of it. How mad can you be with him when you spend time competing for his full attention with all of your extra “girlfriend privileges”? You are not special…you are simply a woman he’s using as a “placeholder” until someone genuinely special comes along..and that could go for the both of you.

All of those extra privileges you’re giving him, you could be giving to a dude who won’t have you out here, looking 10-karat stupid. If a dude is really into you, the one thing you’ll never have to do is fight for his attention.

 

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