Saying how we feel is something a lot of us fail at achieving. At an early age, we were taught the art of “people pleasing”- from saying yes when we really mean no to holding back from what we want to say for fear of rejection or offending someone.

The golden question is… how do we get over that fear and say exactly what’s on our minds?

The other day, my best friend and I had a conversation about not speaking from the heart and it led me to believe that I still suffer from the art of “people pleasing”. Because of my fear, I limit myself from being truthful, because my current situation is comfy, cozy, and feels really good. If I speak what’s on my mind and in my heart, my cozy place might start to feel familiarly uncomfortable, and I don’t want to end up in that place…again.

 

So…I play it safe.

 

If this seems familiar to you, then perhaps you should work on that inevitable fear I speak of. I feel it, so I know you do, too! Acknowledge your fear and work on getting rid of it.

How do we get rid of the fear?

*Being honest with ourselves

*Seeing the bigger picture

*Understanding how important it is for others to “get you”

*Realizing that we won’t have regrets later

*Realizing that if we don’t speak up, resentment could take place

 

For the fearless folks who doesn’t hesitate on speaking what’s on your mind, I admire you. It only means that you can embrace whatever the outcome will be. I guess for me, practice makes perfect. I won’t say I’m completely fearful. More like…cautious; waiting for the right time, thinking of what to say and how I should say it, and waiting for the moment when I can stop replaying the possible rejection in my head.

 

Women are competitive with each other by nature. We don’t mean to be, but we always manage to put ourselves in an emotional position to try to “do better” than the next chick. Especially when it involves a man who they’re both dating. Men use this behavior from women to their full advantage. While I can say that some women wouldn’t waste their time or energy competing with another woman for a man’s attention, it’s the rest of you that fully believes in the term “fight for your man”. It’s bad enough that both of you women are allowing a dude to mistreat you, but it’s doubly wrong when you both are aware of each other. Instead of checking him, you go for each other’s blood, trying to win him over. Neither one of you is realizing the fact that dude is playin’ the both of you!  While you two are playing “Tug-of-War” with his attention span, he’s either at his boy’s crib, talking and laughing about how dumb y’all look over a game of Spades, or somewhere else building something meaningful with an ambitious chick.

The fact that a man is involved with another woman means nothing to a woman who’d rather fight than walk away with her dignity, because in their minds, he’s with the wrong one. They’ll try to prove that over and over by doing double overtime on exposing the other chick’s weaknesses and flaws. Her plan is to exploit the other chick’s flaws to make herself look good, hoping that will convince the man to cut her off.

Let’s not forget about the women on power trips. She may not even be into the guy like that, but she just doesn’t want to lose to the other woman. The extra flirting, the overwhelming need to keep him pleased, and the constant need to put the other woman down are all qualities of a woman determined to win him over–anticipating the feeling of power over the other woman.

If you’re reading this post and it seems very familiar to you. I want you to think long and hard about how you’d look in this man’s eyes. This man you obviously is “head-over-heels” for. He has you doing things you thought you’d never do, because you don’t want to lose him to the other chick. Honestly darlin’…you’ve lost him before you even got him. That may not make sense now, but when you sit and think about all the silly shit you’ve done, it’ll sink in. A guy is really not that into you when he has another woman he’s dealing with. Use your common sense. Any guy that chooses to exercise his options will continue to do so, especially if you’re aware of it. How mad can you be with him when you spend time competing for his full attention with all of your extra “girlfriend privileges”? You are not special…you are simply a woman he’s using as a “placeholder” until someone genuinely special comes along..and that could go for the both of you.

All of those extra privileges you’re giving him, you could be giving to a dude who won’t have you out here, looking 10-karat stupid. If a dude is really into you, the one thing you’ll never have to do is fight for his attention.

 

When we are in a fresh relationship, we tend to stop doing the things we were doing for ourselves before we become in one. Our main goal once we commit is keeping our mate happy, by all means necessary. We don’t mean to put ourselves on the back-burner, but it feels so good to be in a relationship, we shift our priorities, because we feel that our significant others are important. We forget that to keep a healthy relationship, we must, sometimes, put ourselves first.

The moment we make our relationship official, we tend to make decisions revolving around our mates. That’s totally normal, except we’ve forgotten about our plans, our goals, our LIFE.

Here are 3 ways we lose ourselves in a relationship.

 

Dimming your light– What I mean by this is if you have an opportunity to be greater than you already are, then take it. Don’t try to spare your mate’s feelings or ego by turning down any opportunity that would involve more travel, more success, or provide you with more financial stability. You would also turn down these opportunities for fear of losing him/her. Don’t do yourself the disservice.

Not honoring your commitments to yourself– Before going into a relationship, you had all kinds of goals that you wanted to accomplish. Now that you have a significant other, your personal goals are no longer a priority. It’s my belief that a goal-oriented person has one of the qualities that men/women find attractive. So, why stop your personal goals and your life plans because you have a “boo”?

Neglecting your feelings– When our significant other does something we don’t agree with, we keep our thoughts and/or opinions to ourselves to spare an argument. As a result, we neglect our feelings to keep them satisfied. Disregarding how we truly feel about situations is never a good thing. Like a pipe, when there’s enough pressure, that pipe will bust. All of the feelings you’re holding in, will eventually make you bust…just like that pipe! Express to your significant other about how you really feel about things. Sharing what you like and dislike with your partner may lessen the chances for an argument.

 

With so much temptation in the world, one would say that staying dedicated to one partner is impossible. Contrary to popular belief, Monogamy still exists. As a culture, we’ve failed miserably at practicing it. I look forward to the day when we as a culture can accept one partner to court because we’ll feel one partner is all we need.

Too many of us crave variety

In some cases, the sexual passion we develop for  our partner fades with time

Many ppl believe monogamy goes against human nature.

If you are one of those people who don’t practice monogamy, you’ll get no judgment from me. However, I’m judging you for not being honest with your partner. 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce with extramarital sex as the leading cause. There’s a lot of unhappy and unlucky in love people because of the selfishness and dishonesty of their mates. A lot of relationships are started under false pretenses when one assumes what he or she wants is what their mate wants and that’s being committed to only each other. I used to think it was generational, meaning folks born in the nineties were more likely to fail at monogamy than the older generation. Single folks in my generation are suffering just as bad, if not more!

In the dating world, there’s a subconscious pattern for “unsure” folks who are confused about what they really want. There’s a little voice that pops up and asks “Do I stay or do I stray?” when they feel things are getting too serious. Their environment and their social life play a huge part in their decision-making. Unfortunately, considering the feelings of the mate is the least of their worries. Why? They HAVE to do what’s best for THEMSELVES, first and foremost. They’re oblivious to the fact that they have a fear of commitment. As a result, they mask it with “being free to please”.

Wil there ever be a time when our culture will embrace serial monogamy? Probably not. It’s idealistic, but not realistic. With so much sexual temptation and the need to have “options”, I would be crazy to think that would really happen. I look forward to it, but I’m not going to kill myself by holding my breath. What will matter is that I’ll be blessed with an honest mate one day; one who’s aware of the world we live in, but to him…I’m his world. Monogamy can exist with the right person.

 

 

We all know at least two people who will tell you they don’t mind being single even if they are for the rest of their lives. Not only are they lying to you, but they are in complete denial and bullshittin’ themselves.

Everyone wants love…everyone needs love….everyone wants to eventually get caught up & do that forever happily ever after relationship, wedding vows and all. There’s no logical reason for anyone wanting to stay single. I can understand wanting to be single for the moment.

Maybe you’ve just ended a relationship and need time to heal

I get that…

but those artificial reasons are wack.

I like the freedom to do anything I want to do.

I like my options

I don’t have time to be in a relationship.

Those excuses are all masks to cover up how you really feel. You don’t want to let your guard down and let love in, so you use the “I’m Good” mentality as a defense mechanism. There’s always some underlying fear of commitment for various reasons, but for the most part..you’re scared. You want to be in a relationship…you just don’t want to get hurt. If men and women value relationships like they should, they’d understand that freedom as well as space are essential ingredients for a healthy loving relationship. Even a couple deeply in love doesn’t want to be in each other’s face all the time. That’s relationship killer potential! Giving each other some space and freedom between cuddling and sucking face is guaranteed to keep the relationship spicy.

Men and women deal with this “I’m good” mentality differently. Women become dishonest with themselves the moment their guy proves he’s not ready for a commitment. For example, if a guy actually tells you that he won’t get mad if you see other guys, he’s telling you that he’s going to see other women. However, you my luv, will act like what he told you didn’t bother you (or practice selective hearing). You pretend “you’re good” out of fear of getting rejected, so you play along. Men see right through that and will use it to their full advantage. Men, however, will keep their options open with insecure women who don’t know any better. The ones who will use their vagina as bait for months to hold on to men who they’re uncertain loves them. He’ll continue to use them until the right one puts her foot down and demands what she wants. He’ll use that “I’m good” excuse until SHE comes along.

Not having time to be in a relationship is complete bullshit. If you can make time getting to know someone, have sex, and do relationship-type things to keep their attention, then you have time to be in a relationship.

It’s all about being honest with yourself. Your dude or lady will probably respect you more if you are honest about wanting a relationship from the beginning. Get rid of the fear of getting used or hurt. Everybody has at some point in their lives. It’s all about who you feel is worth the sacrifice of your heart and trusting the process.

Give it a chance. You may actually become pleasantly surprised at the outcome 🙂

When getting to know someone, we are quick to assume that because they’ve impressed us, they will eventually give us what we need when it comes to relationships.

We burst our own bubble when we realize that our partners are finding ineffective ways to meet our needs and we are left disappointed among other things.

No relationship is perfect and not everyone is perfect, including ourselves. Let’s pinpoint the fact that if we don’t  know what we need emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and/or physically, or don’t know how to take care of our own heart, then we will unconsciously expect someone else to. We’re putting responsibilities on someone who has absolutely nothing to do with our well-being.

We can’t expect our partners to meet our needs when we can’t meet them ourselves. Expectations, among other things, is what kills relationships! Once we realize that, we’ll have a greater chance at better communication and better understanding.

We try to justify our actions when we claim “He/she’s not treating you the way you need to be treated”, when in fact, you’re not treating YOURSELF the way you need to be treated.

It’s time to stop pointing fingers and evaluate where the core problem lies.

It’s you…and always has been you.

Until you become aware of your responsibility, you will always look to your partner and it’s not fair to either one of you.

Just remember, if down the line you two don’t work out, you will feel emotionally drained because you left your heart in the hands of a person who couldn’t do a job that was meant for you.

You want to be well enough to the point where you can let go with emotional responsibility and move on peacefully.

We all owe ourselves that.

Never go into a relationship with expectations, especially if you’re lacking in self-awareness. If you want a healthy relationship, make sure you know yourself and recognize your needs first.