I thought about my son a lot today.

That usually occurs close to his birthday or anniversary of his death.

While my heart aches from thoughts of him not being with me, I reminisce about how I miss HIM…his eyes…his smile…and his gigantic personality in such a small body. The first time I visited his grave site, I watched my own tears ¬†fall from my face and hit the dirt he’s buried under. I remember wanting to scream so loud because he’s not supposed to have a final resting place until long after I’M GONE.

However…

I accept…that’s he is gone

I deal…with his absence

I hurt…every day

I cry…when he crosses my mind

I smile…when he crosses my mind

Repeat

I’ll never get over losing my son. I’ve just learned to deal. It takes a lot of strength for a grieving mother to go on with life. We have a choice to “die” with our kids or keep living for them. I chose to keep living for Robert and his siblings. I still have two other children to care for and be strong for. Sometimes, being strong is being able to show emotions, and I want my kids to understand that talking about their brother and showing emotions is okay. I sense their strength in them when we bring Robert up. I pick up on how they try NOT to cry because they don’t want to see me cry. That makes me want to cry more. On the flip side, I love that they like to keep his memory alive by talking about him. Every time they do, I feel like Robert’s spirit is in the room with us.

How do I heal?

I never fully healed and I don’t think I ever will.

He’s not here for me to hug, kiss, grow, nurture, teach…..AND LOVE.

But knowing he loved me is enough to keep my heart pumping with joy, and I am blessed to be his mother.

I can hear his lil voice now…telling me he loves me. That always used to be the highlight of my night before bed, because he used to tell me every night before he fell asleep.

In closing…I’d like to share with all parents who has lost children that your child is there with you. You know the feeling you get when it feels like they’re in your presence? That’s them, letting you know that they’re always going to be with you. Trust and believe me.

One night after his funeral, I felt his lips touch mine as I was falling to sleep. That proved that he will always be with me.

I guess you can say that’s how I deal with the loss of my child.

Remembering his sweet kiss to let me know that he will forever love me…near and far.