I targeted my women readers with one of my most popular posts, He Doesn’t Want You, But You Still Sleep With Him, and was praised for giving the cold hard truth! I dig that my ladies dig my brutal honesty. I’ve been “that lady” before, so it was a pleasure to share my thoughts in hopes my ladies gained clarity and self-worth! I don’t want to leave out my men readers, so I feel compelled to share what I think about the whole “non-relationship/relationship-type” involvement with the ladies in your lives without properly addressing the fact that you’re not giving her no more than some dick and a trip to Miami.

My guys…you all have every right to have options. I would never knock y’all for that. The problem I have is that you’re making your lady think she’s a priority and the only one, and that’s where you lose cool points. There are sooooo many women out here who believe that they are “special” and the only one you’re giving attention to. They’ll eventually believe they are in a committed relationship because you choose the right words to say while mind-fucking her with everything she wants to hear.

I get it….

When you deal with a woman who practices loyalty to you, you’re going to do just enough to keep her around. You’ll even go as far as letting your parents meet her. Honestly, parents never count; Because you’re a great son, they’ll support your ho-tactics and never speak of your other women you’ve had at the house. You’re so good at your scam of a relationship, she totally bypasses the fact that you didn’t give her a title. She “feels” committed based off your actions and naturally so. However, You have yet to give her a title or a commitment, because a “non-titled” relationship gives you the freedom to come and go. That’s the epitome of a selfish person.

This woman is obviously in love with you and if you care about her like you pretend to, you’d be honest with her. You owe her that much. The worst that could happen is you being every kind of asshole followed by endless tears, but why does that matter when you can hit up your options across town, right? (sarcasm)

A lady would respect you more if you are honest from the beginning. No leaving out stuff you should’ve told her and no “half-truths”. EVERYTHING. I understand that a pretty face and a phat ass can be distracting. Somehow, those assets will make a guy, who had every intention of being honest, into a guy who allowed his penis to think for him.

You are using this woman’s love for you to feed your ego like coins to a meter. Eventually, she’ll have not a drop of love left to offer herself and that’s exactly where you want her. The more of a priority you are to her, the more susceptible she is to be manipulated.

She’s mentally planning y’all wedding, even down to the “first song”.

Meanwhile, you’re across town inside “Michelle’s” vaginal walls.

You have the responsibility of making things right. The longer you allow her to believe you’re committed to her, the more painful it’ll be for her when she finds out. What can you possibly gain by leading her on and letting her think you both are on the same page? If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? It’s very noble of her to remain faithful to you, so I could understand why you appreciate her. BUT…if her vagina and her love for you don’t curve your appetite for optional p%$$y, then you need to make that known.

Do what’s right and give her a choice.

When I ask if you’re exceptional or basic, it has nothing to do with how you live, how much money you have, or what brand labels are in your closet, but it has everything to do with how the man in your life views you.

How a man views you is how he’ll treat you and it’s up to you, a woman who yearns for respect and honesty in a relationship, to make sure he treats you like you deserve. It starts with growing enough balls to express what you won’t allow and what you desire. However, some of us tend to forget the importance of that and allow our passive aggressiveness to weaken our ability to demand what we want and/or need in a relationship. That’s what basic women do. I can tell you from experiences from women I know and from my own experiences that a lot of men LOVE some basic women!

Why? He knows that under all of that fake tough and demanding exterior, is a woman ready to fall in love. Basic women want to be in a relationship so badly, any amount of attention from him makes her feel like what they have is worth her holding onto, even if he shows signs of being messy. He knows that if he shows signs of being messy, his basic woman will fake the funk and pretend to leave if he doesn’t shape up. When that man starts to put one foot out the door, his basic woman will suddenly have a change of heart, out of fear of losing him to another woman or being alone. A few weeks or a few months have gone by and at this point, you’re frustrated because it feels like you’re investing a lot more into the relationship than he is. In some cases, this has happened more than once in a relationship that’s at least four months old. I guarantee you that 85% of y’all reading this have experienced a relationship like this, currently in a relationship like this, or know someone who is.

Truth be told, the men in these type of relationships are just as basic, because only an exceptional man will not take his woman for granted. It’s been said that we are who we attract…basic dudes attract basic women because they can get away with shit while playing with their basic women’s hearts.

The good thing is…It doesn’t have to be that way.

A woman goes from ‘basic’ to ‘exceptional’ when she learns to “toughen up” and not let the idea of being alone frighten her. An exceptional woman is honest with herself, as well as with him, about what she’s worthy of and she won’t feel bad for expressing that. Only a basic dude will try to make her feel that way for selfish reasons. An exceptional woman respects herself and demands respect from her partner. If he can’t meet those demands, that exceptional woman will have no problem cutting him off like a price tag on a new blouse!

Exceptional women will not chase. If he decides to leave, let him. Leaving already proves that he can’t love you like you deserve.

Between the delusion of thinking a man can be changed, the extreme thirst for wanting genuine love, and some ‘sunshine’ vagina, it could be difficult for a woman to change her basic ways. In order for her to become exceptional, she has to accept the fact that a man cannot be changed and it’s possible that her vagina may not be the best he’s ever had. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting genuine romantic love, but there are more proper ways to go about receiving it and that’s to NOT look for it in a guy who isn’t even your boyfriend. Stop looking for love PERIOD.

Focus on being exceptional. Only then, will the man who’ll truly love you will find you…and that’s when you’ll least expect it.

Although we don’t mean to, we hurt one another and even ourselves, when in relationships. Sometimes, we’re oblivious to our flaws and naturally so. We don’t often see that we’re pouring salt in our own wounds, and by the time we see things more clearly, it may be too late.

It all stems from how we see the world around us; what we were taught growing up, experiences we’ve had, and how we view ourselves. These are all factors that may make or break a romantic relationship.

No relationship is perfect. However, there are ways to keep a relationship living to its fullest potential. Here are the five biggest mistakes we make in relationships and what we can do to correct them.

1)

You’re not accepting your mate for who he/she is

If you spend any amount of energy trying to change your mate, then you’re totally wasting it. That only means you’ve been trying to change the person that he/she is and has since y’all exchanged numbers. The relationship is destined to fail if you can’t allow yourself to accept the kind of person your mate is or wants to be.

Solution: The person you fell in love with and/or care for will be that same person. Accept that and if you can’t live with that, then maybe the person is not right for you.

 

2)

You don’t know your worth

Truth be told, not knowing your self-worth will keep you living in singlehood until you come correct and know that shit like your social security number. No one wants to be with a person who doesn’t value their selves. Eventually, the person you’re with will take notice and will begin to treat you the way you see yourself.

Solution: Start respecting yourself and recognize just how truly valuable you are. Your whole persona will change once you do. You’ll also see things more clearly; what you like, don’t like, and what you deserve. Your mate will know when you know.

 

3)

You attempted to snatch him/her up too quickly

Nothing will ruin a good, fresh, “still getting to know” type of relationship like a person who moves too fast. That kind of behavior will make the person very uncomfortable because it screams desperation. When we’re so consumed with finding “the one”, we act out of anxiety.

Solution: The subtle approach is best and patience is key. Just focus on having fun, instead of trying to build a commitment. When the time is right, you’ll feel it. No need in rushing it.

 

4) 

No trust

Whether the trust was broken, or simply wasn’t built from the beginning, not trusting your mate is a surefire way for your relationship to fail. If you can’t trust your mate, why are you with the person?

Solution: Talk things out. Make your mate aware of why trust is difficult to have. If your mate cares about your feelings and cares about a future with you, he/she will do what’s needed to gain your trust.

 

5)

No inspiration

A person has to see or feel some level of inspiration from you to see a future with you. If your mate isn’t inspired, then it’s a rap!

Solution: Make sure the person resonates with who you are as a person. If he/she can easily blend in with your life, your personality, your passion, your beliefs, etc., then this person is a great fit for you… like the last piece to the puzzle. Trying to make a relationship work with someone who isn’t inspired by you is like trying to force a puzzle piece to fit while other pieces are still scattered on the table.

 

Your puzzle has to match your mate’s picture

 

 

We get all giddy when folks express their love for one another…especially publicly. However, when that expression comes from a man, it’s more impressive because we don’t see that kind of expression from a man often.

Seattle Seahawks player, Russell Wilson, is the epitome of a man who’s not ashamed to tell the world how much he loves his girlfriend, R&B star, Ciara.

In a world full of men who feel too “macho” to publicly express those type of feelings, Wilson stands out amongst a few who doesn’t give a damn what others may say. These new breed of men will be the first to say that a man who’s open enough to celebrate the love he has for a woman is “soft” or “whipped”.

None of that is true.

In fact, when a man expresses the love he has for his woman, it’s the sexiest thing a man could do. When he expresses it publicly, it not only shows genuity but the confidence he has in his relationship.

That “I’m speechless” tweet from Ciara is a good example of a woman who feels that her man’s words have solidified things between them. She may have been wondering if what they have is real. Women tend to “wonder”, even if things feel good.

 

In conclusion, I’d like to share in defense of the men, I know that most of you naturally express your feelings with your actions; PDAs (public displays of affection such as kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc.), hand-written letters, gifts that your woman didn’t ask for, or however else you comfortably choose to express your love. BUT…nothing beats hearing (or in the social media age, reading) how much someone loves you and says that in front of the world. That’s going to make your loved one feel extra special.

I don’t think you guys have no idea that when a woman is in a committed relationship with you, she “throws it” better. You reap the benefits of not just the ass, but her mind, body, and soul because she feels you deserve them. When you prove to her that she is the only woman you’ll ever need, she won’t hesitate to support that decision by giving you ALL of her.

Let me break it down for ya…

The more you treat your woman how she should be treated, the less you push her away into the arms of another man. Unfortunately, you date around like you’re trying on shoes. You like the pair you’ve already picked, but you try on other pairs in case they look better on your feet. There’s nothing wrong with having options, but why are options even needed when you have a woman in your life that’s willing to give you what you claim you’re looking for?

If the feelings aren’t mutual or you just don’t want to be in a relationship, then I can understand. Once you realize that, coming clean would be the best for both involved to save yourselves from more drama in the future. However, you’re the guy who needs variety before you make a choice, so your phone’s contact list resembles the classic “little black book” with 5-star ratings and the whole nine!  There’s nothing hindering you from going to the next level with this particular woman. There’s no financial instability, no baby mama drama, and things are going pretty well..except for the fact that you punk out on the first sign of a serious relationship.

If she is who you want then maybe you should consider giving her a chance and see how things go. You’re obviously ready for a commitment because you tell yourself that all the time…you just have this fear of making the wrong choice. I promise you…when you give your full attention to her, she will send you somewhere you’ve never been before. Women carry what you call Oxytocin, a chemical reaction that ignites after sex. We feel happy, relaxed, and feel a deeper connection to our mate. When we’re committed, oh boy! That chemical reaction stays ignited and bursts like fireworks! Along with trusting you and being head-over-heels in love with you, she will pull no stops when making you feel the way she feels about you. Everything you were looking for physically and emotionally from those other women, she can provide for you because she loves you and she’s IN love with you. When you’re committed, that makes for even better sex and a better emotional connection. You, my friend, just have to be willing.

What’s the worst that could happen?

You two are only sexually compatible. Unfortunately, we don’t find out about that until we become “official”. It happens. At the end of the day, you gave it a shot. However, it could also be the best thing that could ever happen to you. You’ll never know unless you try.

 

A lot of people, particularly women, suffers from fear of abandonment or fear of being alone. This “phobia” is why we practice compulsive behaviors in our relationships. Although we never mean to, it can make us come off as clingy and possessive to our mates.

This problem is significant with newer relationships. Getting to know someone without the pressure of commitment is ideally the foundation to a better dating experience. We are not yet emotionally invested in one another, so it makes for an easy-breezy dating experience. The downfall is developing that inevitable anxiety after the “honeymoon phase”.

What is the “honeymoon phase”, you may ask?

Dude is spoiling you with quality time, gifts, dining at the best restaurants, great sex, and making you feel soooo “wifey”, you ignore all the red and even the yellow flags in hopes he’s ready to commit. You feel secure with him because you spend a generous amount of time with him and you mesh well together like black-eyed peas and rice!

Here’s the part where we start messin’ up!

This is where the REAL dynamic of your relationship comes into play. You will know how serious your mate cares about you and your relationship after the “honeymoon phase” is over. It’s my belief that when a lot of us get comfortable with how things were in the beginning, we expect certain ways about him and things he’s done for us to last forever. We forget that life intervenes and he’s not obligated to set aside time to fulfill our needs.

Things happen

Family issues, long hours on the job, the need to get things done, or he simply just doesn’t want to be bothered….that could include you.

No need to trip about it, although you can’t help it. The moment you feel like you’re being ignored, you begin to panic. Once you begin to panic, you start doing THE MOST and don’t care how clingy and desperate you look doing it. In fact, you may not even notice how desperate you look because you’re too busy justifying your actions. From the “Where are you?” texts to the conversations about “keeping things 100“, you are turning him completely off and is possibly driving him into the vaginal walls of another woman.

Your panicking stems from fear of abandonment. With his fewer phone calls/texts, his unanswered phone calls, his lack of effort to go out, or his request to have some time to himself, you have convinced yourself that he no longer wants to be with you. The more you believed that the more you smothered him. Depending on the severity of your fear at this point, your actions are determined by your strength to reverse the issue to regain his respect or cut your losses and move on peacefully.

The last thing you’ll want to do is force your partner to “prove his love”, which will make you seem more clingy or annoying, rather. He’ll be too over your shitty emotions to jump over hoops for you. At this point, you’re just some chick he used to hit. He isn’t the least bit concerned with building something with you, much less a love affair. Besides, he’s already got what he wanted when you were head over heels for him one month ago.

What are ways to beat this fear?

For the most part, a fear of abandonment is rooted in deep-seated issues. Some of us may require counseling. If it’s severe, don’t be afraid to seek one. If it’s mild, simply take the time to find a hobby, meet and surround yourself with like-minded people, or do activities that will take your mind off of wanting a relationship. STAY BUSY!

In conclusion, let this be a lesson in learning how valuable you really are. If he doesn’t see the beauty in you, it’s not meant for him to see. The right guy won’t need to be forced on convinced that you’re “the one”. He will already know before you do.

 

Sometimes in relationships, it takes losing someone to realize that she really is the one for you. After that realization, you rack your brain, trying to find ways to win her heart back. Keep in mind, that there’s a possibility that trying to win her heart will be much more difficult the second time around, because trust has been broken.

So, you fellah, had to step your A game up in order to get her back. If you’ve succeeded, well congrats! Now, here comes the important stuff! Learning how NOT to lose her heart again! Get a pen and a piece of paper and get ready to take notes!

Stay pursuant- Don’t get comfortable with thinking you no longer have to do the “hard work” to get her back, because trust me…even though she gave you another chance, she still has her guard up. Be sincere and genuine with keeping her convinced she made the right choice in taking you back.

Be creative- If she’s used to the typical you, do something out of the ordinary to keep her intrigued. It’s knowing that you went “all out” that she’ll appreciate. It shows you really care about your second chance. When you do something great for her that’s unexpected, it gives her clarity on how serious you are with keeping the  relationship solid.

Stay protective of her emotions– Because the relationship is new again, you must understand that she’s still sensitive about why the relationship failed the first time. Be a good listener when she needs to talk. Body language plays a huge part when communicating, and make sure she always know she’s in good hands with you.

Pay Attention– Be attentive to her needs; remember the small details about the relationship or even her. A man who remembers small details about her and the relationship means a lot to a woman in love. Again…be a great listener to whatever she has to say. She may “test” you one day to see if you’ve paid attention.

Be romantic– Nothing says love like being romantic, especially if that’s something you don’t practice often. She’ll feel much appreciated once she sees all the hard work and creativity you’ve put into making her feel special.

After a few months of dating, have you found yourself wondering why your new boo is always complimenting you not on your looks or your intelligence, but your body? Is he always making references about how good you are in bed? Do you try to connect with him on a deeper mental, intellectual and emotional level and fail at every attempt? Do you two spend more time in bed together than on actual dates?

Sounds like you have a man that’s not into you and it could be for a few reasons…

a) He doesn’t find you important enough to share that deeper side of him

b) Unless it’s about the sex which you both enjoy, he has a hard time expressing himself. He doesn’t mind talking sex with you because that’s where his comfort zone is. Anything above the physical is out of his league.

c) He’s already emotionally and mentally connected with another woman

Men are really good at making women feel special enough to give up the goodies because he pulls all of the tricks to make her feel like she’s the only one. But it’s difficult when you realize the dynamic of your new relationship with him is based off sexual intercourse. You want more out of the relationship and he doesn’t. Of course, he won’t tell you that because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Sex with you is too good to be at odds with you, so he’ll do just enough to convince you that y’all are good. But that women’s intuition tells you something different. Part of a man’s tricks regarding this is quite simple, but we’ll never notice because we’re so head over heels.

Keep your ears wide open when he talks to you. Men will choose their words carefully, so whatever they say doesn’t backfire on them.

He avoids bringing up any kind of future with you. For example, if you say “I don’t know what the future holds, but I hope it’s with you.” and he responds with “Awhhh, you’re so sweet, babe.” He’s brushed you off with sweet words and of course, you felt for it.

Women need a verbal response when we’re looking for answers from men, but for some reason we’ll accept an emotional non-verbal response if it’s the reaction we’re looking for. He didn’t say he wanted a future with you, but because his reaction was positive, you assumed he does. Proof that assumptions (and expectations) can fuck you up.

Let’s not forget the ones who are already in relationships. Those men will pull the biggest trick in the book when juggling one other woman (or more), without even considering his relationship with the woman he’s already with.

Men are different…and weird…and stupid, but we can’t help but love them. However, loving ourselves enough to walk away from relationships like this will not only show how valuable you are, but you’ll come to the realization that you deserve the total package…a man who is going to want everything you want. He will show you not only physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually without hesitation. That man will come in due time.

Get ready.

Sistergirl, who are you trying to convince that you’re worth love and commitment? him or yourself?

Let’s get one thing straight first and foremost…if you have to spend energy trying to convince him that you are worth a committed relationship, then I’m sorry to tell ya but he’s not ready to commit. No matter how loving, caring, beautiful, kind, attentive, generous, sexy, funny, and downright spicy you are, none of that will matter to a dude who isn’t ready to be tied down. Unfortunately for some of us, we see what we want to see to feel what we want to feel. So we manipulate him with things to convince them that we are worth it. Sex is most often the carrot that some of us use to guide the horse into our barn. Why? Because NO man will turn down willing p#$$y, especially considering he knows she is accepting his behavior. He’s taking full advantage of your need to be in a relationship and you fall for it every time, thinking your vagina will make him change his mind. Your vagina is the stamp on the contract! Unfortunately, the contract becomes null and void the moment he decides he’s had enough…of you.

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, respect his decision..but respect yourself more and move on. There’s nothing more pathetic than an intelligent woman playin’ herself like lotto because she fears being single forever. Fact is…there’s nothing wrong with being single if that free time helps you grow emotionally and mentally.

There’s also the problem with women who crave attention and mistakes it for wanting love. Do you want a relationship because you crave the attention you get while you’re in it or do you really want love? There’s a thin line between wanting a committed relationship and wanting a companion. Either way, giving your soul away for the sake of a man who only wants you for sex is not only cause for devaluing who you are, but you are giving up a piece of your soul every time you open your legs for him.

Thinking with our hearts gets us into a lot of trouble.  If we want a committed relationship, it’s easier to just let it be known by expressing that and letting love find you naturally. No man is worth your integrity.

You’ve been seeing someone for awhile and you think things are going well because he’s saying and doing all of the right things. However, there’s always that nagging question in the back of your mind that has you wondering if you two are official or not.

You should know by now…if you have to ask yourself if the relationship is official, then you’re not in a relationship. It’s more of a “situationship”. A situationship is basically a non-committed intimate union between two individuals who did not confirm or verbally express anything more than casual sex. The men are usually the ones who are slick enough to establish a situationship, especially if he picks up on how unsure you are about being committed when he initially approaches you. Those women are the ones who will say I don’t want anything serious, just a companion. They’re not being honest with them and they’re not being honest with themselves. He disguised his true intentions with just enough to keep you intrigued.  Men love when a woman ACT like they don’t want a relationship because it gives them the freedom to put them in the “option box”. Simply put, your inability to demand exclusivity has put him in the position to be friends with benefits with you. He doesn’t want a traditional relationship, but you do. The crazy part about all of this is you don’t want to look “thirsty”, so you pretend to be cool with being unofficial while still giving him your cookies. You are sacrificing your cookie jar to secure his sweet tooth, and you’ve been doing this for months, hoping he’ll  be the one to say he wants a commitment.

Instead of speaking up about wanting love and a committed relationship, we as women settle, because unfortunately for some of us, it’s better than being lonely. We’ve given these men the option to lease and not buy, knowing deep down we’re a great investment. We’re a great investment because we’re worthy of being loved the way we need to be. No woman (OR man) shouldn’t be afraid to admit that. Open your mouth and say what you really feel, want, and mean, because clothed mouths don’t get fed…unless you want to be fed bullshit.

%d bloggers like this: