I think I can vouch for all women reading this when I say when we get something so good, we lose the good sense that we have when we try to hold on to it! Especially when it comes to penis.

I’m not just talking about that “good for the moment”, “can do without”, mediocre type of penis. The kind of penis I’m describing is the kind that unravels all five of your senses during intercourse. The kind of penis I’m talking about makes us do or say things we wouldn’t normally do. The kind of penis I’m talking about is the kind that our bodies yearn for…like an addict taking one last good hit before detox. Unfortunately, our bodies are sometimes responsible for our toxic behavior, because we choose to satisfy our physical needs before our emotional needs. When that penis is attached to a toxic guy, the emotional damages we cause ourselves as women can have long-lasting effects.

Our bodies is in a constant battle with our minds. We know good and gotdamn well we need to leave that toxic guy alone, but we can’t. We can’t because we choose not to.

Your body reminds you with the question…who’s going to make love to you the way that he does?

Your mind replies with….but you deserve to be treated so much better.

Your body responds with….He makes me feel better when I’m with him. He makes me feel whole.

Your mind replies with….but you don’t need a man to make you feel whole or complete.


We don’t often recognize our subconscious fear of being single. As a result, we use the back-breaking sex as the reason for holding onto an unhealthy relationship. A woman with this kind of struggle between her body and her mind is what we like to call “dickmitized”.

Babygirl is hypnotized by the dick and she doesn’t want to lose it for all the wrong reasons. Most importantly, she doesn’t want to lose that “good good” to another woman. It’s that inevitable circumstance that leaves a woman in emotional shambles.


She’s lost herself.

In her gullible mind, a man who fucks her that good MUST be in love with her.

She’s convinced herself that she could help him change his messy ways.

She’s devaluing her worth every time he enters her, knowing he’s gonna be messy the next day.


One good stroke will make an intelligent woman dumb down for love. She’s oblivious to the fact that sex is giving her a false sense of security and a false sense of belonging.


Truth be told…sex should never be the reason why a woman would accept disrespectful behavior from a man who is supposed to love her. Besides, a man won’t change his messy ways if he thinks he’s being clean. One thing’s for certain, two things for sure…he knows he’s clever. Clever enough to keep screwing your insides out during “make up” sex, because he knows you aren’t going anywhere.

The sad part about all of this is a lot of us use love as an excuse.

Love has nothing to do with your apparent dickmitization. Your actions scream WEAK. Dude smells your weakness miles away and that’s why he does what he do.


I need my ladies who are being dickmitized to stop dumbing themselves down for men who obviously low-key care about you. Stop equating sex with love and realize that a grown man shouldn’t have to be reminded daily to act right. We let our bodies control us so much,  that we don’t realize how much we’re willing to tolerate because we don’t want to be alone.

Please understand that dude is not the only fish in the sea.

Please understand that the more special you think you are, the more basic you become.

Get off the dick, find your self-esteem, and wait on the true love that you deserve.




I’ve listened to and read both stories behind two beautiful women in the business, Mo’Nique & Toya Wright and their whole idea about giving their men “hall passes”.

Before I go any further, let me explain to those who has never heard of the term “hall pass”. Simply put, you’re allowing your mate a chance to cheat.

Apparently, Toya Wright gave her ex-husband Memphitz 8 hall passes a year during their marriage, he said on a recent episode of Untying The Knot. Although, Toya claimed that her response to her ex-husband was edited, she still received backlash.

Mo’Nique openly discussed her idea on “hall passes”. According to VibeMo’Nique referred to the vows couples take when they get married, stating that they should be prepared to “live by them”.  She advised couples to be best friends and honest with each other.  Mo’Nique also noted that people cheat because some needs are not being met.


Here’s my take on this whole “Hall pass” issue and why I don’t agree with it.


I’m not married, but I’m pretty aware of the wedding vows:

I, (insert name here)

Take you, (insert name here)

to be my wedded husband/wife

to have and to hold

from this day forward

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

’til death do us part

and hereto, I pledge you my faithfulness


I’m trying to see where “hall passes” fit into these vows, but I’m struggling, so I need my couples who believe in “hall passes” to show me.

In my humble opinion, giving “hall passes” to your mate is like giving your mate bullets to a gun to shoot you with. We live in a world where people have the freedom to have options, so having plenty of those is your prerogative until you take those vows in front of God. If hall passing is the thing to do after tying the knot, then I need to know why you’re married. That’s defeating the purpose of being committed. Committing to one another is why couples sign official court papers and spend thousands of dollars on a one-day ceremony just to legally and spiritually say “you’re mine and I’m yours…and no one else’s. That includes physically and emotionally.

Giving hall passes makes me question anyone’s self-worth and judges the receivers, wondering why they feel the need to have sexual intercourse with someone besides their spouse. If needs are not being met, has that been discussed? Are needs being met but you still need variety?

For the hall pass givers…Do you ever think about what hall passing could do to your relationship in the future?

If you and your mate (married or not) are into those open-relationships/marriage, then hey..who am I to judge? However, I’ll always question why there’s even such a thing. If you’re giving hall passes because you KNOW you’re mate isn’t getting all of his/her needs met, then why don’t you consider fulfilling them all before you do such a thing?

Does confidence or lack thereof play a part?

Are you aware that your mate isn’t becoming sexually satisfied. Again…why wouldn’t that be discussed before a hall pass is given?

It’s not really an issue with those who are in basic sexual relationships because hall passes are naturally given. There are no fucks given from single people, committed or not. Granted…the whole point of being in an open relationship.


I have so many other questions but I’ll conclude with this……

There will come a time when I will be in a relationship and when I do, my goal is to keep my relationship solid with respect and honesty, first and foremost. Whatever needs to be communicated will be and I can guarantee you…hall passing will not even be a thought, unless he wants to be single.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself  that as a culture, we’ve done a poor job of keeping the sanctity of marriage.  As married folks, some of us are either selfish or crave variety outside of marriage.  As mentioned in Do You Believe in Monogamy?40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce with extramarital sex as the leading cause. That’s enough for sensitive people like me to NEVER want to get married, but then I’ll remember…it takes one person special enough for someone to make a change without forcing the person. I pray that I’m blessed with someone who sees me as THAT kind of special.

So yeah, future hubby can miss me with that hall passing option.



It’s one thing to use sex to try to get what you want from a man.

Having sex with him while knowing he has a woman is a whole other issue.

Because of our natural competitive instincts and the thrill we get with challenges involving the men in our lives, we can’t help it. As explained in one of my previous blog posts, another woman means nothing to a woman who’d rather fight than walk away with her dignity because in their minds, he’s with the wrong one.

When we meet a guy, we don’t often think that he could be already dating another female or two he’s intimate with. It’s one of those things we never take into consideration until it’s too late.

Why would it be too late?

Because you’ve already slept with him. At this point, you’ve either found out on your own or he has told you. Either way, you’re setting yourself up to get hurt.


Because you continue to have sex with him.

You dig yourself a bigger hole to bury yourself in when you decide to keep pursuing him, hoping that he’ll cut the other woman off for you. You’ll continue to sleep with him because it feels right, you feel special, and you foresee a future with him. But while you’re wondering when you’ll get another date, which is sometimes limited because he has “other things to do”, he’s across town on a real date (with no limitations) with Tianna.

This is the time to think logically. If you really want to think about it technically, you are allowing penis inside of you that’s been inside of another woman not too long ago, so you’re sharing penis. If you’re into oral sex, you are tasting her, too. You might as well wear Tianna’s dirty panties. Sounds nasty, right? Whether “Tianna” knows or not, YOU know. How does that REALLY make you feel?

You knew what it was in the beginning, but you can’t see how self-detrimental it is, because your hope factor conflicts and completely takes over your common sense. Trust me…I know how it feels when you’re struggling with loneliness, which is the source for this type of behavior. Anything that makes us feel remotely close to being in a relationship is better than not feeling anything at all.

Truth be told…it also makes us feel bad, but we’re in denial because in most cases, we think it’s showing love.

Babygirl…if you’re in this situation, remember that the more you sleep with him, the worse you’ll feel. You know he is involved with someone and that lingers in the back of your mind every time he penetrates you. You are sacrificing your heart and your goodies for a man who possibly isn’t the least bit concerned about a future with you.

It’s time to evaluate what you’re worthy of and it’s certainly more than part-time dick that isn’t fully yours, anyway.

Scandal fans cheered for Olivia Pope’s announcement to the world that she is Fitz’s side chick on a recent episode. She gets a pass on television, but if this was real life, there would be so much criticism and backlash that homegirl would have to move out of the country.

Keri Washington’s character did it all out of love.  “Olivia’s” words to President Fitz as she publicly humiliates herself for her man were “Watch me choose you!”

I wanted to be “here for Liv” but my echoing thought, Olivia is dumb as hell, exuded my common sense and side eye during that scene.

It made me think of all the “Olivia Popes” in the real world. Not necessarily all black women in a position of power but figuratively. Under normal circumstances, we would look at willing side chicks as women who are in desperate need of some self-esteem. Why do women allow themselves to be treated as an option?I want to know how their brains come up with the thought that their man could possibly be MORE of a man if he leaves his wife, kids, two dogs AND the cat to be with her.


In their most gullible and silly ways, willing side chicks will always be “faithful” because they don’t want to cheat on another woman’s man.

At some point, the side chick has to realize that she deserves her own man who will treat her like a priority. BUT if a side chick doesn’t think she’s worthy of her own man, neither will the dude she’s having the affair with. He doesn’t care about nothing but fulfilling the needs his wife or “main chick” can’t do for him.

To be a side chick unknowingly is one thing. You could think your boo thang is only seeing you until you find out proof, then you cut him off. Kudos to you! But to those side chicks that stick around afterwards or worse…already knew he was married or involved says a lot about how you feel about yourself and that’s not much.

Side chicks can’t grasp the fact that when they start relationships as the other woman, they will never be the only woman. As long as the main chick has a ring and official marriage license, she will always come first. Do you always want to be a second thought to a man who is supposed to care about you?

We all know that cheating and side chicks can be glorified by Hollywood for entertainment purposes, but that’s what makes for good ass drama! We cheer for Olivia because she deserves love, right? Well, so does “Mellie”, the First Lady.  She deserves not only love but respect, which she’s clearly not getting. “Olivia” needs to respect herself in order to get the kind of love she truly deserves.

The same applies to all the “Olivia Popes” outside of television land. No matter your background, race, or age, allowing yourself to be a man’s option should never even be a thought.


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