A lot of people, particularly women, suffers from fear of abandonment or fear of being alone. This “phobia” is why we practice compulsive behaviors in our relationships. Although we never mean to, it can make us come off as clingy and possessive to our mates.

This problem is significant with newer relationships. Getting to know someone without the pressure of commitment is ideally the foundation to a better dating experience. We are not yet emotionally invested in one another, so it makes for an easy-breezy dating experience. The downfall is developing that inevitable anxiety after the “honeymoon phase”.

What is the “honeymoon phase”, you may ask?

Dude is spoiling you with quality time, gifts, dining at the best restaurants, great sex, and making you feel soooo “wifey”, you ignore all the red and even the yellow flags in hopes he’s ready to commit. You feel secure with him because you spend a generous amount of time with him and you mesh well together like black-eyed peas and rice!

Here’s the part where we start messin’ up!

This is where the REAL dynamic of your relationship comes into play. You will know how serious your mate cares about you and your relationship after the “honeymoon phase” is over. It’s my belief that when a lot of us get comfortable with how things were in the beginning, we expect certain ways about him and things he’s done for us to last forever. We forget that life intervenes and he’s not obligated to set aside time to fulfill our needs.

Things happen

Family issues, long hours on the job, the need to get things done, or he simply just doesn’t want to be bothered….that could include you.

No need to trip about it, although you can’t help it. The moment you feel like you’re being ignored, you begin to panic. Once you begin to panic, you start doing THE MOST and don’t care how clingy and desperate you look doing it. In fact, you may not even notice how desperate you look because you’re too busy justifying your actions. From the “Where are you?” texts to the conversations about “keeping things 100“, you are turning him completely off and is possibly driving him into the vaginal walls of another woman.

Your panicking stems from fear of abandonment. With his fewer phone calls/texts, his unanswered phone calls, his lack of effort to go out, or his request to have some time to himself, you have convinced yourself that he no longer wants to be with you. The more you believed that the more you smothered him. Depending on the severity of your fear at this point, your actions are determined by your strength to reverse the issue to regain his respect or cut your losses and move on peacefully.

The last thing you’ll want to do is force your partner to “prove his love”, which will make you seem more clingy or annoying, rather. He’ll be too over your shitty emotions to jump over hoops for you. At this point, you’re just some chick he used to hit. He isn’t the least bit concerned with building something with you, much less a love affair. Besides, he’s already got what he wanted when you were head over heels for him one month ago.

What are ways to beat this fear?

For the most part, a fear of abandonment is rooted in deep-seated issues. Some of us may require counseling. If it’s severe, don’t be afraid to seek one. If it’s mild, simply take the time to find a hobby, meet and surround yourself with like-minded people, or do activities that will take your mind off of wanting a relationship. STAY BUSY!

In conclusion, let this be a lesson in learning how valuable you really are. If he doesn’t see the beauty in you, it’s not meant for him to see. The right guy won’t need to be forced on convinced that you’re “the one”. He will already know before you do.

 

Lakia Nichole
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